Why I'm Not Sweet

I don't usually yell, but I get intense. I can't be sweet. I'm only sweet when I'm am extremely angry or scared. ie "Yes, Mommy Dearest" with Joan Crawford.

My sister and I were at my aunts house for Thanksgiving or Christmas one year and all the family was there. "Mommy Dearest" was on TV. I'd seen it before and knew what I thought, but didn't dare say anything. My sister was about 8 or 9 and she was my mom's darling. Well, everyone was in the living room talking and kinda watching the movie. After a while my sister turns around to my mom and says, "Mommy, she's just like you." My mom was so ticked, my aunt tried to get details and everyone else was aghast that the cute one would say such a thing. Great peace-maker and keeper of the status quo that I was, it was up to me to save the situation and deny the likeness when questioned about it. I said it was the hair that reminded her of mom, not how she acted. What a lie I told.

I started a story when I was five and kept it going until I was twelve years old. In my story I imagined myself in a Robin Hood kind of role and rescuing all who needed help. Somehow I just knew even when they said they didn't need me, that they really did. I think I had telepathy for the scared ones, but when I was younger I didn't know the word. In my stories they always thanked me for saving them and for not listening when they said they didn't need me. I wished I had my own Robin Hood type character to rescue me. Like the characters in my story I was too afraid to answer truthfully that I needed help. I would say one thing with my mouth while screaming in my mind what I was too afraid to whisper out loud. Where was my rescuer? Why couldn't he hear me? The noise in my head was deafening.

Do you pray...for real?

Prayer is not made so that God can find out what we need. God wants us to pray because prayer expresses our trust in God and is a means where by our trust in Him can increase. ---Wayne Grudem

Do you pray? I mean really pray, not just give God your list and thank him for the nice day. I don't really pray. Sometimes I do, but usually I'm just glad to hear other people pray. Do you ever hear someone pray and you think, "Wow, that was real!"? It may not have sounded great and wasn't pre-scripted to catch grammar errors, but it struck a chord in you and you wished you could talk to God like that.

Recently I've heard some people pray and I felt like I was overhearing a conversation between them and God. That's was prayer is, but it's different when it seems like the person praying isn't thinking about people listening, but instead is just talking to God.

My "real" prayers are when I'm overwhelmed by who God is. I want to know how to stay in awe of God. It seems like I get used to him and no longer hold him in true reverence. The other times my prayers are "real" are when my world is falling apart and I run to God because I have to. Any other choice than complete dependence and trust in God leads me to despair. Been there and have lots of t-shirts to show for it.

I don't pray if people can hear me because I think about them and what they think of me... It's stupid, but it is what it is--fear of man. Maybe someday I can talk to God and let others overhear. For now, I just need to talk to God, period.

We've been warned...

We've been warned...

We are now "outside of fundamentalism" while we are visiting this church. The man who warned us is someone we knew from a previous church we went to that was firmly inside fundamentalism. I guess he wanted to make sure we knew we were in a different camp. ----Oh, yeah. We figured that much out before we ever came to any of the care groups or to a church service. There are a lot of fundy hills that we're not going to die on. The style of music is just one of them. I couldn't care less whether there are electric guitars and drums or violins and flutes. If my boys never wear a tie to church again, so what. The last time I checked the Holy Spirit was still part of the trinity and I don't mind Him in church either.

No one in the PCA warned us that we were outside of fundamentalism, they just welcomed us to orthodoxy and were glad we had left Arminian beliefs(fundamentalism). To be fair, there are somehow those who consider themselves to be 5 pointers and are still in fundamentalism and yet not necessarily even a Reformed Baptist. I don't understand that.

I'm not exactly sure which part of the differences besides music and gifts are the ones which cross the fundamentalism line. I don't really care either. I'm not sure if its a "in your face I don't care what they think" or if it's because I see what these people have, and I want it so badly, that it doesn't matter that to get it, I have to "leave" fundamentalism. There is a lot we don't know about what this church believes in practical ways like "How involved can/should Christians be in politics?" I have gotten a taste of the fellowship this church has and I want more. It doesn't matter that the churches I came from wouldn't approve. They don't approve of the basic doctrines of grace I now hold so dear. So what's a little more disapproval? There is so much I need to learn over the right way or learn for the first time.

To my husband and I we left fundamentalism is stages.
First we left the "don't drink the kool-aid" dictatorship type of fundamentalism.(it's scary)
Second we left the guilt trip, work your butt off so God is happy with you, but you can wear pants(sometimes) type of fundamentalism.
Third we left the really nice kind that helps you out a lot when you need it, but once you need serious help you are now a designated project. If you ever graduate beyond project; then you must turn someone else into your project. It's hard to be transparent without someone turning you into a project, when all you want is a friend.

I don't know that we have left orthodoxy because it seems to me that every type of presby thinks the others are either too strict or too loose. I do think that the presby's will join together in saying that just because a church calls themselves reformed doesn't mean its so because they at least have to be Presbyterian for them to be truly reformed. Oh well, I guess we'll just "love God and enjoy Him forever" without man's approval.

Myth Buster: The Ice Cream Truck

Yesterday my kids heard the ice cream truck. They were so excited! We've told them stories about the ice cream truck back when we were kids, but until yesterday only one of them had ever even seen one and none of them had ever had anything from the ice cream truck. A friend of theirs ran home to get money, just like in our stories. The music played and kids gathered around the truck looking at the pictures of various frozen treats and agonizing over their choice. It was like going back in time. Do you know what my oldest said later? He said, "I thought the ice cream truck was a myth like Santa Claus."

Now we've never told our kids Santa was real, played Santa or took pictures with Santa. They never even watched all the cute little Christmas cartoons until this last year, and I have two old enough for youth group. The first time they heard the story "The Night Before Christmas" was one of the Southern versions that I bought for Christmas this year. At first I didn't know why he would say he thought it was one of the things adults make up as a conspiracy just like Santa Claus. (He likes the word conspiracy) Then I remembered snipe hunting. I don't know if anyone hunts snipes outside of the South, but down here its a big thing. It's also a big joke. We've played our kids on this until they reach the ripe old age of twelve before we let them in on the secret. They want to continue it with the younger ones so they never let on and so the snipe hunts continue.

He made the leap from snipe hunt to ice cream truck within minutes. That again verified to my husband and I that we made the right choice about not doing Santa Claus with the kids. The comparision of Jesus Christ to Santa Claus in our minds was too easy to make. We feared that if we did Santa that one day our kids would question if Jesus was real or not. None of our friends and family agreed except a very extreme family member. So we've taken a lot of hits over the years on our Santa stance.

Maybe we should reconsider snipe hunts?......nah, they are just too much fun!

I'm Not Sweet

I like to read blogs. I especially enjoy the really feminine ones that sound so sweet and really with it concerning managing their household, raising children and being a help meet for their husband. Every once in a while I think that maybe I would be a better wife and Christian if I implemented some of those things I learn from those type of blogs or websites. So I turn it on and crank out the sweetness and perfect dinners and the kids always in bed on time, and the house looks good--even closets. I become very supportive and appreciative of my husband.

I do all this and I scare him. He wonders what's wrong with me, have I been watching Martha Stewart again?--he outlawed that about 2 years into our marraige;)-- in general he misses me. He misses the soapboxes I get on, and just me. I'm not sweet. I say it like it is. I have an opinion on almost everything, but when he "puts his foot down" I'm fine(usually) and follow what he decides. When he puts his foot down, he stands up, lifts his knee up high in the air and brings his foot down and says "I'm putting my foot down". Wonderful man that he is; he knows I need a definite answer in a non-threatening way. We both can laugh at the caricature of what we were taught in our early years of marriage.

Some part of me wants to be like those sweet women I know in real life and the ones whose blogs I read. I'm sure if I just did one, new for me, thing like keeping up with the laundry I wouldn't scare him. How is always having clean socks and underwear scary?:) What really scares him is when I agree with him too readily. I think we have a good balance of discussion and submission. I usually know when to concede even when I don't agree. I'm usually right on things we disagree on and he usually sees it eventually. We agree on most things and, depending on what it is, love to dig in and discuss(not the fundi word for argue/fight) what we don't agree on up one side and down the other. Well, I'm not going to be like the sweet, soft-spoken ones any time soon 'cause I'm just not sweet. I'm me.

What is Fellowship?

I'm done for now on dredging up past crap. It wears me out. I can't do anything!!!

I was up all night coughing too bad to sleep, and that was after I took one of those 12 hr cough medicines. I tootled around on the web most of the night. I guess I should have read a good book. Maybe not, though. I came away from my forum readings with a strong sense that the church we are now attending is the right choice.

We've had more real fellowship recently than we've ever had. God is good. I know he is, but sometimes things happen or fall together in a such a way that the goodness and love of God just grips me. God knew we weren't ready for this type of realness in fellowship even though we were hungry and looking for it. We had to be "starving" before we began to look again outside of the church we were in. That led us to a totally new kind of church, one that we wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole even a year ago.

What is fellowship? real fellowship? biblical fellowship? I say we've had more real fellowship recently than ever before.

My definition of real fellowship

1. Doesn't center around small talk
2. People will dig into your life and expect you to dig into theirs. This is also called transparency.
3. This transparency is pouring out of people. Many mask layers are removed.
4. Christ centered and life changing
5. It's WOW! because it is radically different when it reaches past the pastor level and floods the rest of the church

I don't know if I 'm prepared for this fellowship, but I plan on jumping in with both feet.

Who else was abused at either school or church by someone in authority?

Sometimes I obsess on a topic. Right now it's back to really wanting to find others who were abused by the same teacher who abused me. He has been a teacher, girls basketball coach, principal, and taught various subjects in the middle school grades. I last saw him in the office of the Christian school where he was currently teaching, 20 years after he abused me.

I really didn't plan on writing this tonight, but sometimes I just can't get it out of my mind. It helps to write.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there blogging or reading blogs who thinks they were the only one. I may have been one of his first, but I doubt that because he was too good at it. He was in his early twenties at the time.  Did you all know that the state this happened in has lifted the statute of limitations on rape? I could get him now if someone else came forward too. If we come together we can stop him, but there needs to be more victims of his found.

He looked me in the face and said he didn't know what I was talking about. But when he walked into the office his usually red face turned white and the color drained instantly.(I thought that only happened in books) He recognized me although he denied even that. I don't know what else to do. The lawyer said I needed someone else to come forward before there was a case that could be won, even though he said I had very credible testimony.  I have since found out that lawyer is considered a BJU lawyer.  I found out some other things too that I can't share here.

Do you remember his tie always flapping in the wind? Do you remember his anger? Did you cry too?
I think his kids are through college now. So this won't screw up their college days if we go after him now. He denied it all and was very angry. Don't you remember how he looks when he's angry? I don't think he's stopped. What little girl has he hurt this school year? I'll be the name and face on this as much as possible if you'll just help me do what has to be done to stop him.

Why an anonymous blog?

According to some people it's a bad thing to write anonomously. I can't spell it either:( (All the spellcheck does is verify that, yes, I can't spell this word) I don't think I could ever write under my own name. I put too much of myself in it.

Hopefully I can remain anon. Someday I'll let my kids read this after they're grown. It'll explain of lot of things to them about why I did things certain ways and was so careful with what I let them do. I try to balance my fear of someone doing harm to them by allowing them to climb high into trees, dig holes and make forts in the yard, play with fire under supervision, have bb guns and bows and arrows, ride the pony bareback, and all kinds of other things.

I want to protect my family from my musings on my growing up years. My dad was a good dad to us and my mom seems to have changed. She was never altogether a "bad" mom, but it's easier to remember the things that hurt. I'll try to post about both.

I don't necessarily want to protect my 6th grade teacher, but I sorta end up doing so in order to protect my identity. If anyone thinks they know who it is and you're also a victim; then I'm ready to roast him with you. In a future post that I'll get to, it will be clear as to why he is ready to roast.

I don't think it's bad to write anon. It depends on a lot of different things. If I received letters that had people yelling at me in them and they didn't even sign their name; then I shouldn't pay any attention to it. If I received a note from someone and they were just hurting but not ticked at me personally; then I would be glad they at least trusted me with their info even though not with their name. I end up talking to complete strangers in stores because I ask if they're okay. (They don't look okay) Usually we end up talking for about 30 minutes. The record was at Toys R Us last summer when I talked to this lady for about 2 hours. I guess people feel safe talking to a stranger who cares enough to ask. It's kind of like an anon note. All the info is out there but who they are is kept private.

Pre-School Years-school

This is what I remember from up to age five. I'll add to this along the way if I remember any more.

School: We had nap time every afternoon. This was back before kids had cushy mats to sleep on. We just unrolled our towel and laid it on the hard floor and were expected to sleep. I always hurried (but never ran of course) to get my towel and claim the best spot. I liked to "sleep" near the inoperable coin-operated ride on horse. It was huge and sat on a brown metal base, which if you laid there the teacher couldn't see if your eyes were open or not. It was a great asset during nap time if you didn't want to nap.

We always had a healthy snack sometime during the day. I know I used to know what time, but I've forgotten now. I learned how to tell time somewhat in pre-school, because I always wanted to know when/what time the next thing was. Anyway, one time our snack was a canned plum. It looked nasty and I wanted nothing to do with it. My teached said I had to eat it because I said I wanted one. That wasn't exactly true. That plum was misrepresented. The teacher asked for us to raise our hands if we wanted a plum. Of course I raised my hand. I loved plums. We had a plum tree in our front yard and those plums were great. She did not ask "Who wants a really ugly plum out of a can?" So when that plum was plopped in my bowl I said I didn't want it. I'd never seen a canned plum before and this one looked rotten to me. After a long time, I don't know how long, but everyone else was playing and I was still at the table looking at this plum, I ate it. It actually tasted good, so I asked for another. I guess because I was such a stinker they wouldn't give me another one. There were more because I saw the teacher eating them.

We had coloring time, but for some reason we were only allowed one crayon. One day I picked yellow because it looked so bright. The problem was that it wouldn't show up on my white paper. I asked for a different crayon and was told no. So I proceeded to color really hard so it would show. Well coloring time came to an end and we were told to put down our crayons. I didn't and I think actually "backtalked" and said I wasn't done yet. So I got a switching with the pointer stick. I still think it was stupid for us to only be allowed to pick one color to use. No wonder most of the pictures my mom has in my baby book only have one color. --sarcasm alert--- "Oh, you like blue? How nice. You can color the sky, trees and grass that color."

My life: The Short Version

Should I start at the beginning? I'd like to skip the first 33 years of my life, but it's part of the journey. I'd like to have skipped it the first time around.

I was born in 1972 (that sounds like a long time ago).
In order to protect the innocent and the guilty I don't think I'll use names of people and places.

• I went to the baptist church my father grew up in from the time I was born until sometime in first grade.
• My parents put me in christian school for preschool at age four. My younger sister started at age two.
• We changed churches when I was in first grade to attend and later become members of the baptist church that had the school we went to.
• I remember several things about school and church--some good and some very bad
• I worked hard from about age 5 until I was 10 to get my mom to like me---it didn't work
• I remember my dad putting my sister and I in the car in our pj's with blankets (I was probably 7 or 8) and him driving to where my mom worked and just weeping in the parking lot. He thought I was asleep in the back seat, but I was watching. I saw my mom coming out of a darkened furniture store that we had sat in front of for a long time. She was supposed to be doing inventory. You don't do inventory in a dark store. She had said "everyone" was working late. Apparently it was just her and some guy.
• 4th grade--I remember my dad picking us up from school and sitting in the car and watching for some guy to leave our house. My sister wanted to know what we were doing. She just didn't get it. My dad didn't think I did either.
• In 5th grade I gave up trying to please my mom. Nothing I said was right. If I opened my mouth I got in trouble. I couldn't carry on a conversation with her, no matter how hard I tried.
• 6th grade was the worst year of my life. My teacher molested and raped me repeatedly. I began smoking the last day of school of 6th grade. Suicide attempts were many in the years to come.
• 7th grade- I was scared to death of my male teachers. No shit. One of my teachers asked my dad why I seemed to be scared of him. He didn't know and no one asked me or at least I don't remember being asked.
• 8th grade-- I ran away from home for a few days. Some guy tried to follow me one night. I hid in the middle of some very prickly bushes to get away. Scared me too bad for me to travel far. I ended up calling my youth pastor late one night and he and his wife came and met me and we talked for about 3 hours. (Actually he had just been replaced but he's the one I knew and trusted at the time) I was still very suicidal. When I ran away I was choosing to run rather than hang myself from the train bridge. I was afraid of dying but hated living. My mom was totally out of control and scared me real bad.
• 9th grade-- My mom and sister and I moved out of state; my dad was to come later. By this time I learned icy control and "the stare". I could emanate hatred and a coldness that none could withstand. I used it to control the beatings my mom gave to my sister. If my sister had been a pain to me; then I'd let my mom beat her to a point before I'd stop her. I was still deathly afraid of my mother and would sleep with a baseball bat under my bed and a knife under my pillow in case she tried to kill me during the night. To piss her off I would answer her ever so sweetly "Yes, Mommy Dearest". I wanted her to come after me so I could kill her in self defense. I told my dad that she left us all night and had nighties in the trunk of the car. (This was true) She also made us sit out in the middle of the yard with no shade in the hot afternoons (temps were over 100) while she talked to her lawyers. I would call my dad collect from a payphone at the grocery store and beg him to get me. I finally told him that if he didn't come get me that I would take the car and drive through the mountains to get home. (I was actually planning on going the long way through Texas) He came and got me. I guess the thought of a 14 year old driving through the mountains did the trick! My parents divorced that year and my dad remarried the next. This is also the year I saw my old 6th grade teacher again. He was coaching a rival schools girls basketball team and was at our school for a 3 day tournament. Day 1 I saw him. He seemed a bit nervous to see me at first. Day 2 and 3 I laid in wait for him with my knife ready to kill him as soon as he was alone. The best chance I had was when he was with his wife and son. I wouldn't kill him in front of his son. There was God's grace in preventing me from acting on my plan.
• 10th grade-- Life sucked. Friends needed help and I hurt so bad. I had a friend whose dad did things. To this day I don't think she told me everything.
• 11th grade-- I tried so hard to be a good Christian.
• 12th grade---ditto
• College life-- I was such a mess. I was angry, depressed, suicidal, and working so hard to keep God happy with me. I had a teacher who reminded me of my 6th grade teacher in how he looked and some quirks of movement. I could barely remember to go to class. I never remembered quizzes and tests. Pop tests are sure rough on the gpa. My freshman year was a fog. The only thing that "cheered" me up was the thrill in going to off campus parties with the trouble crowd. (I was at a conservative Christian college where unchaparoned, male and female together, spiked punch, smoking and a make out room were very much instant grounds for dismissal) Can you believe I talked my way out of it in the deans office?
• I was 19 I think when I saw my 6th grade teacher again. A friend that knew I hated him called and told me there was a rumor he was moving back to town and back to our school. I showed back up at church during the summer I was home. He saw me and wanted to talk privately in some other room. (Yeah right, I'm not 11 and 12 any more. I didn't stay stupid) He apologized if he had done anything. He said he had confessed it to his wife and she forgave him. (Even in the middle of the foyer at church with people walking around I was still afraid) He grabbed my upper arm and left fingertip bruises on it. Nice apology huh? We did talk for a little while. I told him if he ever touched my sister or anyone else I knew that I would make him wish he was dead. He followed me out to the parking lot. I put a car between myself and him and told him to back off and that my sister was waiting for me and if I didn't show she knew who to blame. I also told him that there were others who knew. He backpeddled and stopped being overtly threatening. He said he just wanted me to go with him somewhere where we could talk and get things right. (I'd bet anything he would've killed me if I'd gone with him. He would have had his fun first. I saw how he looked at me)
• My cult years-- Some would say it's harsh to call something that calls itself baptist a cult. You wouldn't if you experienced what we did. My dad always told me not to drink the kool-aid. I should have listened. I got started in that church my sophomore year of college and didn't get out of it until years later.
• Sophomore year at college-- I had settled down away from the wild crowd. They weren't to be trusted because someone was always going to "confess" something or other and got others kicked out while all they got was probation. You never knew when someone was going to develop a conscience. I was doing all kinds of good works to please God.
• Junior/Senior year-- The anger erupted again. I scared my roommates. They backed off, but I ended up in mandatory counseling for the rest of the semester and the next year. I got real good at giving all kinds of info about crappy stuff in my life, yet avoiding the real problems.  I went through one counselor, she sent me to someone who could help me more, that one wanted to send me on to the dean of students for counseling the next semester because I wouldn't admit to her that my dad had done stuff to me.  He hadn't, it was my teacher.  She just needed to ask the right question and I would have said everything.  She gave me a list of books to read that was all on the topic of sexual abuse and mostly incest.  I couldn't talk to the dean again, I was scared of him. It seemed like he could see right through me. So I stayed out the 2nd semester and got married in the summer and when I came back to school for my senior year I wasn't a dorm student anymore so no one came after me. I did look up the lady who counseled me last to tell her I was fine. I wasn't though. We were married for our senior year(Soooo stupid!!)
• After college-- We stayed in the cult church for a few more years. Traded it in for a more balanced Baptist church for about 5 years.  That one was still like the cult one, just nicer on the surface for a longer period of time.  Moved on to a Bible church for 3 1/2 years. Tried a Presbyterian church for a while, then on to a couple different Sovereign Grace churches and then another PCA church, a Southern Baptist church, then a Covenant Presbyterian Church(CPC) and now we're in a Communion of Reformed Evangelical Church(CREC).  The last two have been the best places for us.  Where we are now(May 2013) is a place of hope for me. (That's a whole 'nother blog post and then some)

I'll have to elaborate a lot more on our church moves because it's amazing how God worked and moved us and brought us and me specifically to himself.

Just a few questions

We're trying to figure out what we believe and why and at the same time trying to find a church to grow in and worship with. It's hard to figure things out from a distance, but it's scary to get too close. I guess that sums it up fairly well. I talk big, but if its face to face I fall apart. I usually get out what I want to say but only if I wrote it down beforehand.

Here are some things that are important to us, but I don't know if we're looking at the right things and saying this is important.
1) family integrated worship- no age segregated ss on a regular basis
2) homeschool friendly-not just tolerated
3) not KJV only-strongly prefer the KJV not to be preached from
4) 6 day literal creation
5) fellowship that's real
6) the doctrines of grace unashamedly believed and preached--no tiptoeing around the buzz wordsHere are things we know are important to understand, but don't really get it yet(not in any particular order)
1) paedo-communion vs credo communion
2) infant baptism
3) believers baptism
4) wine vs juice (Lord's Supper)
5) bread-leavened or unleavened; yeast? (Lord's Supper)
6) the whole covenant thing
7) excommunication....shunning? ...barring from the table
8) household baptism
9) regulative principle of worship
10) how do you chose a denomination?--do you figure out what you believe first or do you just pick a church and plan on leaving in the future after you realize you don't believe what they believe?
11) What are the true fundamentals of the faith? the Westminister Confession?
12) what about the exceptions and the different versions of the Westminister Confession? What if I get the "wrong" version that's twisted somehow, or a study guide written by a nut with a familiar name? I'd rather do nothing than do it wrong.
13) militant Scottish presby history-Scottish presbyterian denominations
14) church history
15) How are dissention or doctrinal differences/disagreements supposed to be handled?
16) the whole church gov't and court- how does it work?--do I really need to understand it?
17) barring from the table/fencing
18) closed vs open communion
17) Are we to pursue justice?

Here are a lot of questions I've thought of to go along with #17:
a) Is the answer different if the person is a believer or not?
b) what if he claims to be?
c) Let's say he's been confronted and denies any wrongdoing; do you pursue justice by actively looking for information that would cause justice to be carried out on earth?
d) Do you pursue justice based on the severity of the offense?
e) Is seeking justice too close to seeking vengeance?
f) How is it common grace that one hasn't received justice; isn't that more mercy than grace?
g) Is mercy permanent and (common)grace temporary?
h) I heard/read somewhere that God's justice is mercy in that it stops one from continuing in sin unabated. How are justice and punishment related? and how do they differ?
i) How does one decide that it is time to pursue justice or to wait on God to carry it out?
j)If one decides it is right to pursue justice; then how is that done without it taking over every spare moment and more?
k) Do you wait until you have time or do you fit it in?
l) What criteria should one have to determine whether it is right or the right time to pursue justice?

These thoughts have been on my mind quite a while. I usually push them aside, but it seems that God keeps bringing them up due to sermons or Sunday school lessons and even fluff books I've read recently. I don't know, maybe it's just something to sidetrack me and it's not from God at all. I can't tell the difference.

There's a lot of things that are on our minds. I don't know how to order them. I do know that I belong to God, but some days that's all I'm sure of.

Where's the grace?

There doesn't seem to be any room for grace for people who haven't had their lives click along the right track. Why else do the ones who are really hurting leave the church? Some of them never come back. IFB's(independent fundamental baptist) will shoot the horse with the broken leg rather than take the time to heal it. Once you've been wounded either through your own sin or someone elses, you better not let any one know it because the vultures of gossip will circle as the wolves of self-righteousness move in for the kill. IF you survive the initial onslaught; then you must harden yourself to the pain that will be yours as a second-class citizen among the righteous.

I don't have all the answers or even know all the questions; but I do know that my God has a truckload of mercy. None of us are righteous in his sight. I thank God I don't have to measure up to other people's expectations and standards. I'll just do what I do and trust God to show me when I'm messing up.

I've lived most of my life knowing I was a second-class citizen at church. My parents divorced and my dad remarried and was then publicly kicked out of church. My dad continued to go to that church until I could drive myself because the youth pastor and his wife were a help to me. I had run away from home a year before the divorce, and was gone a few days. I talked to them and no one else. My dad and stepmom put up with a lot of looks and comments for my sake. I know it hurt them. "Those people" in the church also hurt us kids. I "knew" I wasn't as good as everyone else. Finally somewhere along the way I was "good enough" to be pitied, but not good enough to really associate with because of my family situation.

When my sister was in a near fatal car accident and was in ICU for over 3 weeks the pastor didn't even come to the hospital. That was the final straw for my dad. That really drove home just how second class he is. He's been in church just a handful of times in the last 9 years. I didn't go back to the baptist church we(my husband and I) were members of because I knew they would say it all happened because of either my sin, my sisters sin or someone in the family.

Well, all that is a long story I'll start on some other time. Consider it a preview to one of the tough times in my life.

We're going to die young and stupid.

I've been fighting the pollen the last few days and right now I feel like crap. The trucks are covered in the yellow dust pollen. I'll need to start sweeping the long pollen strings up pretty soon. My tolerance for our yapper is at an all time low. I just hollered at the son whose dog it is to "Train that yapper to shut up or keep him with you at all times. I'm sick of hearing him yap 24/7." We've bought bark collars at $50 a pop. They don't work. I wonder if a zap collar that I mash the button on would work any better. Do I want to spend that much money?

Last night I was pessimistic/depressed over how much there is to learn about God and what is the right way to believe and act. So I was being very negative in the conversation with my husband. I was comparing our life span to Adam's and our brain/smarts to Adams and my conclusion was that we could never learn enough to figure it out and we were going to die young and stupid. Well J set me straight. He basically said that if we had it all figured out and knew all the right answers that there'd be no one we would agree with and we'd still be alone and we'd be bored because we wouldn't have anything else to learn.

So the current thought is that we'll connect with a -----------Church and not worry about infant/believers/household baptism, end times, credo/paedo communion, covenant theology/new covenant theology, music, worship styles, the regulative principle of worship, gifts, cessationist/continuists etc. By the time we figure things out we'll be dead and we could still be wrong! There are a lot of smart people disagreeing on all these things, and I think I'm going to get it right?

It's kinda like going to Christian college and getting the rules handbook given to you your freshman year. I remember looking at it and thinking "I'm never going to get all this. I can't remember which places at which times with with who is off limits." I decided I'd just do what I do and hope I didn't get kicked out. I managed to make it through 4 years and graduate without ever even being "campused"(Christian college version of being grounded). So here we are thinking we're just going to go with it and learn along the way. We can take a lot of leeway on things if the relationships and true biblical fellowship are present in the church. The non-negotiables are the sovereignty of God and the doctrine of salvation along with the rest of the five points/doctrines of grace. We are definitely reformed, we're just not sure how much. Should we look for strong doctrine and give up on fellowship and accountability? We tried that and just about starved even while we were being comforted by the doctrinal preaching we were hearing. So now we will try a church that has fellowship as a main component of its practice. Hopefully it's not just talk or just something that exists in the goals of the pastor that hasn't yet made its way to the people. We agree on our non-negotiables. I guess we'll see if thats enough agreement.

Why blog? What's my theme?

Why am I starting this blog? My honey and I started one before. That was a flop. Neither one of us wanted to put our hearts out in cyberspace (at least that's what I was thinking). He just didn't have the time and I didn't know what to write about.

Now I'm more comfortable with where I am and can write without thinking I have to pick a theme like homeschooling or country living or politics. My theme for this blog is life and my journey through it searching for what's missing. At times the missing part has been huge, at other times it just seemed so. The biggest part that was misssing for most of my life was God. The thing is...I didn't think He was missing.

Anyway back to my theme not being a theme. Since my "theme" is my life then I can cover any topic I want. Ha! Not even a blog is going to tell me what to do. Do you sense some small prob with authority? -sarcasm alert-

I Need Fellowship

I'm tired of being surrounded by people I "know" and yet they remain strangers and I'm still alone.

Anyone I get close to still somehow isn't a "peer" because they're older and/or have a position of quasi-authority. So, anyone in a position to get to know me and speak truth into my life and seems to be making that effort, ends up relegating me to "project" status; but never a friend. I'm a project, not a friend. That's what I get for transparency.

I'm not saying, "Poor me. I don't have any friends." I am saying that I need friends who will look at me as a friend, not an off and on project. I'd like to have some friends who are on the same page as I am theologically. Your theology makes a big difference in how you live your life. It'd just be nice to have someone care without it being because I need some serious help. And for me to know people who care because they care and don't have to be in the position of "official helper of this project(me)" before they care.

Ahhh fellowship...what does it look like? I need fellowship. Is it wrong that my husband isn't fellowship enough? Is this starving feeling a sign that I'm avoiding God and trying to replace Him with people? I really don't think it is. It's not an emptiness without God in it. Am I just wimping out? Many through the ages have been alone in their Christian life, why can't I hack it? I have my husband that I can actually see, and my children I have with me all the time. I have various versions of the Bible to read, lots of great books and online Christian resources. Why is it so lonely?

test 1

Testing to see if this works