Easter Sunday... It's supposed to be a day of hope remembering Christ's resurrection. In some ways I am participating in Easter, but I feel more like an outside observer this time. Not belonging, but this time of my own choosing. I made sure everything ran smoothly this morning and the whole family made it to the sunrise service on time and even a little early and then on to the breakfast at church and then the worship service. Dinner is in the oven the potatoes are cooking and the gravy is standing by ready to be made at the last minute. The boys are all down and actually sleeping for naptime. It's been a perfect day thus far. After naps then everyone will get their Easter baskets and then we will have our Easter dinner.
Sounds great and it is except... I dissociated through most of the service which made me rather fuzzy headed afterwards. Someone asked me if I was sick because it seemed I was walking like I didn't feel well and seemed off. I thought I was hiding it well. Evidently not. I am out of practice in hiding how I feel. People are used to seeing me fully engaged and not in shut down mode. She also kept asking and guessing what was wrong until I told her the short version of the story, which was the PTSD is back and I thought I was over it because everything was so different this time. I also told her about the two local counselors who couldn't handle my "multiple traumas" and one of them has been counseling for 30 years and has PTSD with trauma as a specialty. Somewhere in the conversation I said a few times, "I'm done." She asked what I was done with. I couldn't give her a good answer. I didn't want to. Church? was one of her guesses. I wasn't sure how to answer that question since that is something I've been thinking about. She and another lady who came back into the conversation a bit later both hugged me and said they would pray for me and some other comforting type statements.
Another conversation in the parking lot with someone else, more hugs and encouragement to not blame myself or carry guilt for considering or deciding to not adopt the boys. The only people who know at this point in my face to face life are the pastors and elders at church, and at least one of their wives.
So, it's a perfect Easter Sunday. We have the pictures to prove it. I wish I didn't have a different narrative running underneath it all. The one that says, "This is the one and only Easter you'll have with these boys. The last holiday. They will leave with their Easter outfit, but maybe will never want to wear it again because of the association of the last happy holiday with us. Everyone sees how well they are doing and the improvement in behavior. No one will understand why I can't do the mom thing, why I can't pull it together, why I have an inability to parent them all, why all of a sudden I can't handle the improved version of these boys or what my problem really is. God is sovereign but why so much pain? Am I supposed to tough it out and somehow stop leaning on my older children for help? The more times a day goes well and I survive it, the more I doubt myself."
Then again, with the almost constant dissociation during church, dizziness, blurry vision and the lingering headache and evidently odd way of walking around afterwards, can that be called a successful day? I am surviving it, but that's it. And this day is going so well compared to others! I just want to sleep it off, but if I dare go to sleep I will easily be out for the next 4-5 hours which would ruin the day for everyone else. So I inflict upon a few people another rambling blog post chronicling my journey through life.
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label questions. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Where are you in regards to _____ on a scale of 1 to 10 with one being ______and 10 being ______?
The scale question comes in many forms, but it always confuses me. Am I being asked based on my personal scale of pain for example? Right now I have spasms in my back that hurt quite a bit. So when I do make it in to the chiropractor and massage therapist I'm sure I will be asked the scale question. Do I compare pain in general or this type of muscle pain? Because if its just pain, then I've felt a lot worse. I'm walking crooked, but I can still walk. It's less pain than burns I've had. More pain than having my knee out of socket, a whole lot less than having wisdom teeth removed, but then again childbirth hurt less than that.
The idea of putting triggers, flashbacks, dissociation, depression, anxiety or how I relate to God on a scale of 1 to 10 totally befuddles me. What do I compare everything to? What is the baseline? Lets say 1 is the bad end and 10 is the completely awesome end. If 1 is the point just before a suicide attempt and 10 is a joyful and peaceful life where you deal with all problems in a perfect manner; then the jumps between numbers is too great. A different scale is needed.
I'm not volunteering to come up with one. I don't think mine would be much better, but at least it would work for me, even if for no one else ;)
Overall, I'd vote for no scale. My scale would be warped my way, like so. Just pick a common pain or experience that people have and say whether it is greater or lesser than that pain or experience. Here are some common pains or experiences that could be used. Childbirth(medicated or natural), oven burn, hammering your finger, suicide of a friend, death of a close family member, sunburn up to sun poisoning, stubbed toe, cuts requiring stitches or crutches...See what I mean about my scale being weird for most people? Surely there's some grant money floating around out there and someone can come up with a decent scale for this oft asked question? Keep in mind, numbers just don't cut it.
The scale question comes in many forms, but it always confuses me. Am I being asked based on my personal scale of pain for example? Right now I have spasms in my back that hurt quite a bit. So when I do make it in to the chiropractor and massage therapist I'm sure I will be asked the scale question. Do I compare pain in general or this type of muscle pain? Because if its just pain, then I've felt a lot worse. I'm walking crooked, but I can still walk. It's less pain than burns I've had. More pain than having my knee out of socket, a whole lot less than having wisdom teeth removed, but then again childbirth hurt less than that.
The idea of putting triggers, flashbacks, dissociation, depression, anxiety or how I relate to God on a scale of 1 to 10 totally befuddles me. What do I compare everything to? What is the baseline? Lets say 1 is the bad end and 10 is the completely awesome end. If 1 is the point just before a suicide attempt and 10 is a joyful and peaceful life where you deal with all problems in a perfect manner; then the jumps between numbers is too great. A different scale is needed.
Overall, I'd vote for no scale. My scale would be warped my way, like so. Just pick a common pain or experience that people have and say whether it is greater or lesser than that pain or experience. Here are some common pains or experiences that could be used. Childbirth(medicated or natural), oven burn, hammering your finger, suicide of a friend, death of a close family member, sunburn up to sun poisoning, stubbed toe, cuts requiring stitches or crutches...See what I mean about my scale being weird for most people? Surely there's some grant money floating around out there and someone can come up with a decent scale for this oft asked question? Keep in mind, numbers just don't cut it.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
How God is Becoming More Real to Me
How is God real to me? It sounds like an odd question to ask, maybe *gasp* like something a seeker friendly church would have a little pamphlet on. I can't help any similarities there may be. I must remind myself that God cares and look for those ways He shows himself to be real, not just a far off God who doesn't hear. I can't reconcile my pleading prayers when I was being abused and His apparent deafness, to the teaching that God is present and hears our prayers and loves us. When I try to think through both things I get trapped in a loop of flashbacks. It's not a good place to be.
What I can do is to look for God's hands in my life today and then in the more recent past. If I go back too much farther; I run into problems, big ones like: does God love me, did he love me back then, what about protection, is God really good, how sovereign is he anyway, and God was present but did nothing. The way I can skip over those type of questions is for me to look at all the evil in the world being done to people of all ages and then remind myself that I'm nothing special to rate some divine protection. There are Christians being murdered and abused for their faith. I had it pretty easy in comparison. Somehow I'm not sure this is the way to handle it. It ends up with me viewing God as a distant and uncaring God who is big into consequences. So then I'm back to completely ignoring my own past, beyond the last few years, and disregarding today's present persecution of Christians unless I put it into a "suffering for Christ" category.
Today I look for God's caring in my life. I see it in the meals brought to us by families in our church; in the freshly mowed grass because all of our mowers are broken and my husband now works out of town; in the concern being shown to us as one of our children is suffering from head trauma; texts, phone calls, getting together to just talk; in so many kindnesses big and small; and the fact that I can't disappear from church or blend into the background because I have become a part of this body. All this and so much more are evidences to me that God cares. I see it through the tangible touch and actions of Christians who are God's arms around me in difficult times, in times of change and in the mundane of everyday life.
Another aspect of God that I see is that of Him working in me to change in a myriad of ways. Something is said repeatedly over a long period of time in many different ways and places until one day I hear it again but now it is accompanied by that uneasy feeling of guilt. It's a different sort of guilt than the one that goes along with being abused. It's one that causes you to realize this is talking about me and this is my sin. To avoid dealing with this sin guilt is not a good thing. Slowly my eyes and ears are being opened. I'm sure this is God at work showing me what needs to be confessed and repented of. Easier said than done, though.
God is becoming more real to me through His church, specifically and mainly the church I'm a member of. I'm thankful for mp3 players, blogs, facebook posts, email, texting, and twitter. All this tech provides more ways for me to hear again what God is trying to tell me. It doesn't sink in the first time around I hear it in a worship service or in counseling. God is patient with me and I've seen His gentleness towards me in the last two years. I can be in church now and rarely dissociate anymore, and the triggers are seldom a problem. A lot has changed in the last six months from what my church experiences were two years ago or one year ago. May God continue His work.
What I can do is to look for God's hands in my life today and then in the more recent past. If I go back too much farther; I run into problems, big ones like: does God love me, did he love me back then, what about protection, is God really good, how sovereign is he anyway, and God was present but did nothing. The way I can skip over those type of questions is for me to look at all the evil in the world being done to people of all ages and then remind myself that I'm nothing special to rate some divine protection. There are Christians being murdered and abused for their faith. I had it pretty easy in comparison. Somehow I'm not sure this is the way to handle it. It ends up with me viewing God as a distant and uncaring God who is big into consequences. So then I'm back to completely ignoring my own past, beyond the last few years, and disregarding today's present persecution of Christians unless I put it into a "suffering for Christ" category.
Today I look for God's caring in my life. I see it in the meals brought to us by families in our church; in the freshly mowed grass because all of our mowers are broken and my husband now works out of town; in the concern being shown to us as one of our children is suffering from head trauma; texts, phone calls, getting together to just talk; in so many kindnesses big and small; and the fact that I can't disappear from church or blend into the background because I have become a part of this body. All this and so much more are evidences to me that God cares. I see it through the tangible touch and actions of Christians who are God's arms around me in difficult times, in times of change and in the mundane of everyday life.
Another aspect of God that I see is that of Him working in me to change in a myriad of ways. Something is said repeatedly over a long period of time in many different ways and places until one day I hear it again but now it is accompanied by that uneasy feeling of guilt. It's a different sort of guilt than the one that goes along with being abused. It's one that causes you to realize this is talking about me and this is my sin. To avoid dealing with this sin guilt is not a good thing. Slowly my eyes and ears are being opened. I'm sure this is God at work showing me what needs to be confessed and repented of. Easier said than done, though.
God is becoming more real to me through His church, specifically and mainly the church I'm a member of. I'm thankful for mp3 players, blogs, facebook posts, email, texting, and twitter. All this tech provides more ways for me to hear again what God is trying to tell me. It doesn't sink in the first time around I hear it in a worship service or in counseling. God is patient with me and I've seen His gentleness towards me in the last two years. I can be in church now and rarely dissociate anymore, and the triggers are seldom a problem. A lot has changed in the last six months from what my church experiences were two years ago or one year ago. May God continue His work.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Themed Blogging Days
Thinking about ways of being more intentional with this blog and I'm going to try themed blogging days. Something like:
Marvelous Monday, Mad Monday or Morbid Monday or maybe just to be a little more "normal" I'll do Monday Munchies.
Truthful Tuesday, Tuesday Triggers, Troubled Tuesday, or Torturous Tuesdays: a walk down memory lane
Wednesday Wonders, Wordless Wednesday(I like pictures and occasionally I take a good one)
Theology Thursday (I could probably write on this, pose questions, post about the crappy "answers" I've received over the years)
Fearful Friday or Fabulous Friday (That's really polar opposites, maybe I'll just skip Fridays)
Searching Saturdays (open ended theme that can work for a lot of things, even normal living life stuff)
Marvelous Monday, Mad Monday or Morbid Monday or maybe just to be a little more "normal" I'll do Monday Munchies.
Truthful Tuesday, Tuesday Triggers, Troubled Tuesday, or Torturous Tuesdays: a walk down memory lane
Wednesday Wonders, Wordless Wednesday(I like pictures and occasionally I take a good one)
Theology Thursday (I could probably write on this, pose questions, post about the crappy "answers" I've received over the years)
Fearful Friday or Fabulous Friday (That's really polar opposites, maybe I'll just skip Fridays)
Searching Saturdays (open ended theme that can work for a lot of things, even normal living life stuff)
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Anguished Cry
O LORD, how long shall I cry for help,
and you will not hear?
Or cry to you "Violence!"
and you will not save?
Why do you make me see iniquity,
and why do you idly look at wrong?
Destruction and violence are before me;
strife and contention arise.
So the law is paralyzed,
and justice never goes forth.
For the wicked surround the righteous;
so justice goes forth perverted.
Habakkuk 1:1-4
I listened to a sermon on this the other day. I think it was a good sermon. I need to listen to it again and hopefully I can fully turn off the baptist tapes in the background of my mind so I can understand what is being taught. http://www.wordmp3.com/details.aspx?id=11631
I only know what is before me in words, not the technical ways of understanding who the passage is for and what it's "really" saying. I know that was the anguished cry of my soul as a child. Those questions are still unanswered, but from a safe vantage point of time I am still asking them. "O LORD, why?"
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