Nouthetic Counseling is Bunk!

It finally makes sense why most of the "help" I have received has only caused more pain and feelings of hopelessness.
http://robinphillips.blogspot.com/2011/10/problems-with-jay-adams-and-nouthetic.html


Don't question God. Asking why shows you're doubting God's goodness. If you don't forgive; then God won't forgive you. Christ died on the cross for your sins, the least you can do is to forgive your perpetrator. (Is that word supposed to sound better than abuser or rapist?)  At least it's better than Wood and Mazak's "offender".

Singing the Psalms

Reading the Bible is very triggering for me right now, even though I'm avoiding the King James Version.  So I listen to good music that are heavy in the Psalms.  It's a balm for my soul and if I sing along, at least in my head, it doesn't trigger me.

So almost all day I've been listening to My Cry Ascends: New Parish Psalms.
Two of my favorites are Lord Jesus Think on Me and From Depths of Woe.  I know they don't sound all that encouraging, but those songs, especially, are keeping me grounded in the here and now; and I desperately need that.

http://www.ligonier.org/store/my-cry-ascends-new-parish-psalms-cd/

The Anguished Cry

O LORD, how long shall I cry for help,

and you will not hear?

Or cry to you "Violence!"

and you will not save?

Why do you make me see iniquity,

and why do you idly look at wrong?

Destruction and violence are before me;

strife and contention arise.

So the law is paralyzed,

and justice never goes forth.

For the wicked surround the righteous;

so justice goes forth perverted.

Habakkuk 1:1-4

I listened to a sermon on this the other day.  I think it was a good sermon.  I need to listen to it again and hopefully I can fully turn off the baptist tapes in the background of my mind so I can understand what is being taught. http://www.wordmp3.com/details.aspx?id=11631 

I only know what is before me in words, not the technical ways of understanding who the passage is for and what it's "really" saying.  I know that was the anguished cry of my soul as a child.   Those questions are still unanswered, but from a safe vantage point of time I am still asking them.  "O LORD, why?"

I finally admit to myself why I'm blogging

I'm pulling this out of my drafts.  I don't remember when I wrote it, but it is still true.

My reason for blogging has changed. Not really changed, but at least I'm admitting it more to myself. Dang, I didn't want to have a point. I've ended up creating a blog that I can't let my children see until they are a lot older. That's really great. I can't even write about the life I lived as a child and allow my own children to read it because they're not old enough. I lived through hell and survived, barely.

I want this blog to attract others who have been abused in IFB churches or schools. I really want the man who molested and raped me as an 11 and 12 year old little girl to be held accountable. (may he rot in jail forever) I think he is still teaching. I'll verify that soon.

I want changes to be made in hiring and firing in IFB churches and schools. The AACS had better get their act together as the middleman and keep track of their members personal and character references. They're not guiltless in passing around child rapists from school to school.

Still Paying the Price

It's been almost three years since I've posted on this blog.  I haven't forgotten anything, but I just couldn't write about things.  Trying to figure out how to make this blog do what I orignally intended for it to do is complicated.  I'm too much of a chicken to just put it all out there.  I've lost too many friends in too many places and quite a few of those losses were because of my past abuse.

We are once again in a new state, a new church and trying to see where we fit, or if we do fit.  As long as I manage to blend, I know we'll be okay.  But what about the dark times?  They always return and then I really don't want to be alone.  I want comfort, but that's the point where I am rejected or become someones project.  Is there a balance?  Does anyone besides me know how to be a friend to someone who is hurting without turning them into a project?

That sounds a bit arrogant, but I haven't seen people who have been able to be a friend to those who have been sexually abused without turning them into a project or outright rejecting them.  I don't want to be hurt like that again.  The abuse was a long time ago, but I'm still paying the price.  I'm the one with the memories that intrude at the wrong times.  (I'd like to know when the right time is and then maybe I can train my brain and body to save it for times I can handle it and am expecting it.)  I'm the one with the shaking and sweating hands.  I'm the one who works really hard to take hugs and pats from people at church, especially men, without panicing and having to hide in the bathroom.  I'm the one with the flashbacks.  I'm the one who thinks about what happened to me when sermons or songs touch on tragedy or God's love and care.  When forgiveness is discussed I am back in the hallway trying to know that I'm not really there again.  When someone keeps asking how can they pray for me I am terrified.  This is a person who is becoming a friend and all I can think of is how much it will hurt when they don't talk to me anymore and avoid me at church because I fully and truthfully told them how they can pray for me.  I want to say.  "Pray that the darkness doesn't get too dark, pray that I can stop being afraid, pray that I can be myself without losing friends or becoming a project, pray that the baptist tapes will be banished, pray that PTSD won't keep returning, pray that he will be caught and punished, pray for justice, pray for complete healing and hope that it is possible, pray that the memories won't come unbidden especially when I'm with my husband or in church, pray that the thoughts of suicide will never return, pray for me to be able to love God fully."
I don't say any of these things.  How can I?  The risk is too great.

Yes, I am still paying the price.