The Light at the End of the Tunnel is NOT an Exit

Events occur that most wouldn't understand how that seemingly unrelated thing would have any effect on me.  It's complicated to explain and when pushed to do so, even though it's also said that I don't have to explain, I feel compelled to explain if it's someone that I think I might be able to trust in some smallish way.  So I explain, a little.  A testing of the waters. A testing of the light.  It could be another instance of setting myself up to be devoured by following the light of apparent friendship with the bait of a much-needed hug.  I just might have some trust issues, but not without cause. ;)



I get entranced by the "light at the end of the tunnel" and continue moving towards the light, all the while I'm actually moving deeper into darkness.  I discover I'm not in a tunnel but rather my whole existence is surrounded by darkness, punctuated by flashes of light whereby I barely escape alive, but certainly not unscathed.  The light moves where ever it needs to in order so that even when I move towards the light I descend farther into darkness.  I retreat from it and too late realize it now is between me and the true light.  No matter what I do nothing makes a difference for long.

For an all too brief period of time I moved out of the darkness I have been surrounded by for most of my life.  I believed I had escaped the darkness.  For a time I was free of it, but a vortex from the depths pulls me back.  I see a light above me but its not the light of freedom, its the light of that ever present trap moving closer to me as I sink deeper into the darkness I'm well accustomed to.  Between me and the true light of the freedom I have tasted is the light of the false hope of healing from PTSD and all that goes with it.  The darkness and coldness of a life numbed to emotions is safer.  And today all I want is to be safe and for this anguish to be over.

My Regression in Healing After BJU's Response to The GRACE Report: What does this mean for our family?

I haven't mentioned on this blog anything about our adoption process or that we have four boys that are placed with us and waiting for us to sign the paperwork.  My little guy just turned four and fits right in the middle of the three younger ones.  They have an older brother with autism who is 11 that we also have with us.

I am so torn up about adopting these boys.  I have spent far too much time trying and not doing so well in being okay enough to do the mom thing.  It works to a point because of my older children, but they aren't the ones doing the adopting.  Its not fair to them or to these four boys or to my little bio guy.  Just last night my husband asked about signing the paperwork, and I stalled.  I can't say yes.  I can't say no.  I say it depends on the day as to whether or not I think we can adopt them, but its been a long time since I had a yes day.  I know it's not just about how I feel, but I don't really know what to do with these things called feelings.  How do they relate to life?  I just know that most days I want out of this adoption process.  I want my little guy to go back to the way he was before they came.  I want his smile and laughter to be his default, not a treat for me to treasure.  I want his dreams to be full of laughter and giggles again and not crying out "NO!" 

It took me almost two years to get back to a fairly stable place after I interviewed with G.R.A.C.E. and now after the official report and then BJU's response to it is out, I find myself almost back to how bad it was right after filling out the questionnaire and then interviewing.  I can't deal with four boys who need me to be okay in order to be the mom they need.  I haven't allowed myself to think about this, so I haven't even written of it until today.  I can't do this.  I can't keep these boys.  We've had them since August 2014.  I don't know whether I'd be ruining their lives more by adopting them or by not adopting them.  And my little guy...What do I tell him?  My older ones who I have woefully neglected during this time, what about them?  

I was doing okay and thought I was healed enough to manage adopting.  It's been something I've wanted to do since I was a child.  I don't know how long it will be before I get back to that good place again.  In some ways I am affected differently, but still badly by BJU's response to the G.R.A.C.E. report.  I need to get stable again, and I can't do that and add in adopting this sibling group.  It's too much.  My life is full of "if only".