It was a decade or so ago and I was in desperate need of help.
In search for tangible and lasting help that brought healing and not more pain I kept trying to find some one or some thing to help. It's all a blur, unless I slow down and think about it, the stream of people I looked to for comfort and ministration and found that their capacity to simply hear my story was so small. The few who could hear some parts of it and remain my friend and not turn me into a dreaded sympathy project were those who themselves were so wounded. We gathered together at all night restaurants and talked till dawn. Just friends talking, no projects allowed.
After a time, and so many hours drinking sweet tea, coffee and cappuccino and splitting hash browns at three in the morning, the gatherings eventually had more reasonable hours and we met at my house for popcorn, hot chocolate with butter schnapps, white zinfandel and talking and board games. We felt like normal people, with friends.
Our conversations were different than any other gathering of friends or church people I'd ever experienced. We spoke of cutting; head banging; sleeping the darkness away; the need to check on a friend who might be suicidal, again; and abuse, all kinds. We spoke of God and Bible verses that helped, but mostly we were the hands of Jesus to each other because everyone else hurt us more.
I'd like to say that I was strong and a source of comfort and was full of empathy for these dear ladies. In reality we were all barely functioning and from day to day what kept us together was the knowledge that we were all we had. We were all in different churches, and each of our churches were actively "helping" in our lives in some way. We needed each other.
Showing posts with label fellowship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fellowship. Show all posts
Monday, February 23, 2015
Thursday, September 18, 2014
How God is Becoming More Real to Me
How is God real to me? It sounds like an odd question to ask, maybe *gasp* like something a seeker friendly church would have a little pamphlet on. I can't help any similarities there may be. I must remind myself that God cares and look for those ways He shows himself to be real, not just a far off God who doesn't hear. I can't reconcile my pleading prayers when I was being abused and His apparent deafness, to the teaching that God is present and hears our prayers and loves us. When I try to think through both things I get trapped in a loop of flashbacks. It's not a good place to be.
What I can do is to look for God's hands in my life today and then in the more recent past. If I go back too much farther; I run into problems, big ones like: does God love me, did he love me back then, what about protection, is God really good, how sovereign is he anyway, and God was present but did nothing. The way I can skip over those type of questions is for me to look at all the evil in the world being done to people of all ages and then remind myself that I'm nothing special to rate some divine protection. There are Christians being murdered and abused for their faith. I had it pretty easy in comparison. Somehow I'm not sure this is the way to handle it. It ends up with me viewing God as a distant and uncaring God who is big into consequences. So then I'm back to completely ignoring my own past, beyond the last few years, and disregarding today's present persecution of Christians unless I put it into a "suffering for Christ" category.
Today I look for God's caring in my life. I see it in the meals brought to us by families in our church; in the freshly mowed grass because all of our mowers are broken and my husband now works out of town; in the concern being shown to us as one of our children is suffering from head trauma; texts, phone calls, getting together to just talk; in so many kindnesses big and small; and the fact that I can't disappear from church or blend into the background because I have become a part of this body. All this and so much more are evidences to me that God cares. I see it through the tangible touch and actions of Christians who are God's arms around me in difficult times, in times of change and in the mundane of everyday life.
Another aspect of God that I see is that of Him working in me to change in a myriad of ways. Something is said repeatedly over a long period of time in many different ways and places until one day I hear it again but now it is accompanied by that uneasy feeling of guilt. It's a different sort of guilt than the one that goes along with being abused. It's one that causes you to realize this is talking about me and this is my sin. To avoid dealing with this sin guilt is not a good thing. Slowly my eyes and ears are being opened. I'm sure this is God at work showing me what needs to be confessed and repented of. Easier said than done, though.
God is becoming more real to me through His church, specifically and mainly the church I'm a member of. I'm thankful for mp3 players, blogs, facebook posts, email, texting, and twitter. All this tech provides more ways for me to hear again what God is trying to tell me. It doesn't sink in the first time around I hear it in a worship service or in counseling. God is patient with me and I've seen His gentleness towards me in the last two years. I can be in church now and rarely dissociate anymore, and the triggers are seldom a problem. A lot has changed in the last six months from what my church experiences were two years ago or one year ago. May God continue His work.
What I can do is to look for God's hands in my life today and then in the more recent past. If I go back too much farther; I run into problems, big ones like: does God love me, did he love me back then, what about protection, is God really good, how sovereign is he anyway, and God was present but did nothing. The way I can skip over those type of questions is for me to look at all the evil in the world being done to people of all ages and then remind myself that I'm nothing special to rate some divine protection. There are Christians being murdered and abused for their faith. I had it pretty easy in comparison. Somehow I'm not sure this is the way to handle it. It ends up with me viewing God as a distant and uncaring God who is big into consequences. So then I'm back to completely ignoring my own past, beyond the last few years, and disregarding today's present persecution of Christians unless I put it into a "suffering for Christ" category.
Today I look for God's caring in my life. I see it in the meals brought to us by families in our church; in the freshly mowed grass because all of our mowers are broken and my husband now works out of town; in the concern being shown to us as one of our children is suffering from head trauma; texts, phone calls, getting together to just talk; in so many kindnesses big and small; and the fact that I can't disappear from church or blend into the background because I have become a part of this body. All this and so much more are evidences to me that God cares. I see it through the tangible touch and actions of Christians who are God's arms around me in difficult times, in times of change and in the mundane of everyday life.
Another aspect of God that I see is that of Him working in me to change in a myriad of ways. Something is said repeatedly over a long period of time in many different ways and places until one day I hear it again but now it is accompanied by that uneasy feeling of guilt. It's a different sort of guilt than the one that goes along with being abused. It's one that causes you to realize this is talking about me and this is my sin. To avoid dealing with this sin guilt is not a good thing. Slowly my eyes and ears are being opened. I'm sure this is God at work showing me what needs to be confessed and repented of. Easier said than done, though.
God is becoming more real to me through His church, specifically and mainly the church I'm a member of. I'm thankful for mp3 players, blogs, facebook posts, email, texting, and twitter. All this tech provides more ways for me to hear again what God is trying to tell me. It doesn't sink in the first time around I hear it in a worship service or in counseling. God is patient with me and I've seen His gentleness towards me in the last two years. I can be in church now and rarely dissociate anymore, and the triggers are seldom a problem. A lot has changed in the last six months from what my church experiences were two years ago or one year ago. May God continue His work.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Numb Again
I'm not going to see Dr A again. At least I don't think so. I'm going to see someone else. I will try to call tomorrow. I'm tired of sinking back into where I was. I don't know how to get out of it. I can't seem to get it together. I am more organized now, but more of a mess on the inside. I feel numb again and can't snap out of it. I'm afraid that I will never make it to prosecution of JM. It's all I can do to stay busy and forget. When I slow down, I just get depressed or even more often just hollow. I'm not really here, but I don't know how to get here and live. I try to fake it and am "sick" to cover days when I just am too worn out to continue the charade.
I am going to Florida with a friend later this month. She is not a friend to be quiet with, we will be busy and noisy and talk a lot even about serious things, but not about the emptiness of being trapped behind walls; we will have fun and it will take the edge off, but the numbness of existence will return to me afterward.
I am so tired.
A couple of years ago I was on my way out of the numbness and was learning to lean on God. Not doing so good now. I'm all out of friends. Ones that I have left or call friends are either ones that I don't want to risk losing by being too transparent or are ones that I don't trust that much anyway. I have been so often rejected in the last 2 years that I am extremely terrified of letting anyone else that close again. I guess people just can't handle my daily type troubles let alone the hauntings of the past. I'm safer cocooned behind my walls wrapped in the numbness of isolation, but I know it's not right. For now I can do nothing else. God help me.
I am going to Florida with a friend later this month. She is not a friend to be quiet with, we will be busy and noisy and talk a lot even about serious things, but not about the emptiness of being trapped behind walls; we will have fun and it will take the edge off, but the numbness of existence will return to me afterward.
I am so tired.
A couple of years ago I was on my way out of the numbness and was learning to lean on God. Not doing so good now. I'm all out of friends. Ones that I have left or call friends are either ones that I don't want to risk losing by being too transparent or are ones that I don't trust that much anyway. I have been so often rejected in the last 2 years that I am extremely terrified of letting anyone else that close again. I guess people just can't handle my daily type troubles let alone the hauntings of the past. I'm safer cocooned behind my walls wrapped in the numbness of isolation, but I know it's not right. For now I can do nothing else. God help me.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Acting the Turtle
Do you ever realize that you're probably wrong about something, but you just can't let go of it? I've a few things right now that are that way. It's always been easy to excuse because the other person is a lot more to blame than I am.
What I'm struggling with right now is that I'm keeping people at arms length or farther because somebody recently dropped me and backed off like I came down with leprosy. It's not that I'm so thin-skinned that I can't take it. It's more the timing of and that it seems to be the story of my life.
How do I look to Jesus and not people and yet still have biblical relationships and real fellowship? I understand that people will disappoint or outright hurt me in various ways. I want to minimize the damage by acting the turtle. I don't want to be a box turtle and keep everybody completely out and I don't want to be a snapping turtle and scare everyone off. I'm thinking I'd like to be some type of sea turtle or giant tortoise; approachable, but not everybody's dinner.
What I'm struggling with right now is that I'm keeping people at arms length or farther because somebody recently dropped me and backed off like I came down with leprosy. It's not that I'm so thin-skinned that I can't take it. It's more the timing of and that it seems to be the story of my life.
How do I look to Jesus and not people and yet still have biblical relationships and real fellowship? I understand that people will disappoint or outright hurt me in various ways. I want to minimize the damage by acting the turtle. I don't want to be a box turtle and keep everybody completely out and I don't want to be a snapping turtle and scare everyone off. I'm thinking I'd like to be some type of sea turtle or giant tortoise; approachable, but not everybody's dinner.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
I Don't Have This Transparency Thing Figured Out
I feel out of step. An observer. disconnected
Maybe it's because lately I've been asked "What's going on with you?" and similar things. I just smile(I think I'm smiling, but maybe I'm not) and give some lame answer. I can't answer. I don't know how to answer that question. It's a harmless and well meaning question, but the answer to it is overwhelming. I give my avoidance answer. I say, "Yeah, there's a lot going on." and then I name some busy thing we're doing or should be doing. I haven't used the "game over" answer yet. Maybe it's a little harsh?
I give my answer and feel like they know I'm not saying something, that I'm holding back. I don't know how not to hold back. When people give prayer requests, I stay silent. How can I say what my prayer is? I've always despised the hiding behind the "unspoken" prayer request. It's unspoken because Christians are too afraid to let others see their struggle. We don't trust the people we're praying with. There comes a time when the inability to trust the Christians around you, slowly begins to kill you. You have to have real fellowship or you shrivel up and die.
That's the problem. Real fellowship. Biblical fellowship. That means transparency, which I still don't have figured out.
Maybe it's because lately I've been asked "What's going on with you?" and similar things. I just smile(I think I'm smiling, but maybe I'm not) and give some lame answer. I can't answer. I don't know how to answer that question. It's a harmless and well meaning question, but the answer to it is overwhelming. I give my avoidance answer. I say, "Yeah, there's a lot going on." and then I name some busy thing we're doing or should be doing. I haven't used the "game over" answer yet. Maybe it's a little harsh?
I give my answer and feel like they know I'm not saying something, that I'm holding back. I don't know how not to hold back. When people give prayer requests, I stay silent. How can I say what my prayer is? I've always despised the hiding behind the "unspoken" prayer request. It's unspoken because Christians are too afraid to let others see their struggle. We don't trust the people we're praying with. There comes a time when the inability to trust the Christians around you, slowly begins to kill you. You have to have real fellowship or you shrivel up and die.
That's the problem. Real fellowship. Biblical fellowship. That means transparency, which I still don't have figured out.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
How to put up walls in a door kind of church
I talked to a pastor at the church we're looking into. He didn't play the dance around the question and answer game. I didn't expect a follow up to the follow up question. I was only ready for the follow up question. But in the q and a game my answer was supposed to win and then its game over--no more questions. It didn't work that way.
At this new church we're going to they don't play the question and answer game the "right" way.
This is how it's supposed to go. If the topic ever begins to get somewhat personal or is danger of heading that way then everyone knows the "game" has begun. A question is asked. A vague non-informational answer is given to ascertain if the person asking even gives a flip. If the person asking, returns the answer with yet another question; then the "game" can take one of two paths. On one path the conversation can continue on said topic to a certain point. On the second path the one receiving the questions gives a "game over" answer. That answer contains enough general information in it to satisfy inquirers without opening ones self up too much. The "game over" answer is clearly saying that's far enough and everyone knows that's as far as you go.
They don't play that game at this church. We're figuring this out the hard way.
They ask, "How are you doing?"
We say, "Fine."
They return with, "No, really. How are you doing?"
What do you say to that? You can't stand there and lie. How do you get around it? They expect a real answer. Fine, just doesn't cut it with them. The ones who let you get away with it; let you know, that they know, you're getting away with it.
Most people who haven't suffered the way you have, or don't see that type of suffering as a possibility in their future, just can't handle that different type of pain in your life. They back off and once again there's rejection of some sort. Trust becomes harder and harder to give. We haven't been at this church or type of church long enough to experience that, but...
My husband and I talked about this today and devised a plan. I told him we needed an answer that would stop them because they don't play the dance around the question and answer game. We need a brutally honest answer that will stop them in their tracks. So we crafted a definite "game over" answer.
I don't know you well enough to really want to answer that at this time, because most people can't handle the pain that's in our life and I'm tired of the rejection. So unless you're willing to share your deepest darkest, so I can see if you can handle it, then I can't answer any further.
Now we'll see how far they're willing to take this transparency crap! (tounge in cheek:-)
That's our answer and we're sticking to it. Hope it doesn't bite us.
My husband is testing it tonight at church. We'll see how it works.
They seem to have the idea that if you ask enough questions at a wall that you can turn it into a door. I don't want to sound like these people are pushy and ugly about it because they are not. They have shown themselves to be real. I don't know how to handle it. I love it and I hate it and it scares me. I don't know what their walls look like so I don't know how to put up walls that they will recognize as being a wall. Aside from the in your face "game over" answer, I don't know how to stop their... I don't know what it is I'm stopping. Is it fellowship? transparency? And after all my crying around about wanting fellowship, here I am hollering "TMI !". Is biblical fellowship and transparency the same thing? At what point does information/transparency really become too much information?
At this new church we're going to they don't play the question and answer game the "right" way.
This is how it's supposed to go. If the topic ever begins to get somewhat personal or is danger of heading that way then everyone knows the "game" has begun. A question is asked. A vague non-informational answer is given to ascertain if the person asking even gives a flip. If the person asking, returns the answer with yet another question; then the "game" can take one of two paths. On one path the conversation can continue on said topic to a certain point. On the second path the one receiving the questions gives a "game over" answer. That answer contains enough general information in it to satisfy inquirers without opening ones self up too much. The "game over" answer is clearly saying that's far enough and everyone knows that's as far as you go.
They don't play that game at this church. We're figuring this out the hard way.
They ask, "How are you doing?"
We say, "Fine."
They return with, "No, really. How are you doing?"
What do you say to that? You can't stand there and lie. How do you get around it? They expect a real answer. Fine, just doesn't cut it with them. The ones who let you get away with it; let you know, that they know, you're getting away with it.
Most people who haven't suffered the way you have, or don't see that type of suffering as a possibility in their future, just can't handle that different type of pain in your life. They back off and once again there's rejection of some sort. Trust becomes harder and harder to give. We haven't been at this church or type of church long enough to experience that, but...
My husband and I talked about this today and devised a plan. I told him we needed an answer that would stop them because they don't play the dance around the question and answer game. We need a brutally honest answer that will stop them in their tracks. So we crafted a definite "game over" answer.
I don't know you well enough to really want to answer that at this time, because most people can't handle the pain that's in our life and I'm tired of the rejection. So unless you're willing to share your deepest darkest, so I can see if you can handle it, then I can't answer any further.
Now we'll see how far they're willing to take this transparency crap! (tounge in cheek:-)
That's our answer and we're sticking to it. Hope it doesn't bite us.
My husband is testing it tonight at church. We'll see how it works.
They seem to have the idea that if you ask enough questions at a wall that you can turn it into a door. I don't want to sound like these people are pushy and ugly about it because they are not. They have shown themselves to be real. I don't know how to handle it. I love it and I hate it and it scares me. I don't know what their walls look like so I don't know how to put up walls that they will recognize as being a wall. Aside from the in your face "game over" answer, I don't know how to stop their... I don't know what it is I'm stopping. Is it fellowship? transparency? And after all my crying around about wanting fellowship, here I am hollering "TMI !". Is biblical fellowship and transparency the same thing? At what point does information/transparency really become too much information?
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Do I fellowship with sinners?
I hope so. Jesus did.
Does it matter when a sin was committed as long as it's repented of? Ohh, you did what? Was that before or after you were saved? As if we're the judge whether that has been forgiven or not. Here's a great example I read somewhere recently online but forgot where. I think it was only a story. I don't have it all right, but I have the basic gist of it.
There are two men who were both in jail and were saved. One of the men murdered his wife and the other robbed a store. Parole day came and they both got out. The wife of the man who robbed the store had gotten involved with some other guy and now wanted a divorce. She divorced him.
Both men went on to be faithful and involved in a local church and after a while felt God leading them into ministry. The one time wife murderer asked and received counsel from his pastor and was encouraged to go to seminary because "brother, all your sins are under the blood". The second guy was really relieved that the guy who murdered his wife got the pastors approval and blessing to go into the ministry. So he goes in to talk to the pastor. The pastor asks him about his divorce and whether it was before or after he was saved. Verifying that it occured after salvation he told him he was disqualified from the ministry. "What do mean, disqualified? I didn't kill her. She divorced me."
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He should be free to remarry, pastor and live the Christian life a forgiven sinner like the rest of us. How many people did Paul have killed before he was saved? God forgave him and used him greatly. Paul never forgot where he came from, but he didn't allow it to chain him in the past and keep him from loving God and serving him in the present.
Sometimes I feel chained to the past. In a way I am. My past influences my present and my plans for the future. It's all connected. I'm not sure how to disengage from the past. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my teacher has affected me my whole life, even though I didn't remember the worst of it until fairly recently. It influenced the type of men I was drawn to or repelled by. My experiences drove my parenting practices. I had a big push with my kids on sneaky child catchers who seemed really nice, but just wanted to steal them away from mommy and daddy and hurt them. We watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with them at age 3 and used that to teach them. The teaching paid off.
Someone tried to get my 5 year old son at the park one day. He was playing in the sandbox and a man came up and talked to him. He told him he had some candy for him if he would go with him to the bathroom. My son said he wasn't done playing yet, he'd go later. The man walked down towards the bathroom. When he was almost there my son jumped up and took 2 steps towards the bathroom, did a 180 and ran straight to me. (I was on the way to him) He was so proud of himself for tricking the child catcher.
So yeah, that's one good thing that came out of my abuse. That's a great thing, but I think God could have used a different method than that to get me to teach my children about the "bad guys who look good". Romans 8:28 is a hard sell for me. It's kinda like getting hit with a baseball bat to get your attention when a "hey you" would have worked just as well. Faith,Trust, Understanding, I wish I could understand. I push it down and pretend everything is ok. It's not. Eventually it comes back because it refuses to stay pushed down. What do I do with it?
Does it matter when a sin was committed as long as it's repented of? Ohh, you did what? Was that before or after you were saved? As if we're the judge whether that has been forgiven or not. Here's a great example I read somewhere recently online but forgot where. I think it was only a story. I don't have it all right, but I have the basic gist of it.
There are two men who were both in jail and were saved. One of the men murdered his wife and the other robbed a store. Parole day came and they both got out. The wife of the man who robbed the store had gotten involved with some other guy and now wanted a divorce. She divorced him.
Both men went on to be faithful and involved in a local church and after a while felt God leading them into ministry. The one time wife murderer asked and received counsel from his pastor and was encouraged to go to seminary because "brother, all your sins are under the blood". The second guy was really relieved that the guy who murdered his wife got the pastors approval and blessing to go into the ministry. So he goes in to talk to the pastor. The pastor asks him about his divorce and whether it was before or after he was saved. Verifying that it occured after salvation he told him he was disqualified from the ministry. "What do mean, disqualified? I didn't kill her. She divorced me."
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He should be free to remarry, pastor and live the Christian life a forgiven sinner like the rest of us. How many people did Paul have killed before he was saved? God forgave him and used him greatly. Paul never forgot where he came from, but he didn't allow it to chain him in the past and keep him from loving God and serving him in the present.
Sometimes I feel chained to the past. In a way I am. My past influences my present and my plans for the future. It's all connected. I'm not sure how to disengage from the past. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my teacher has affected me my whole life, even though I didn't remember the worst of it until fairly recently. It influenced the type of men I was drawn to or repelled by. My experiences drove my parenting practices. I had a big push with my kids on sneaky child catchers who seemed really nice, but just wanted to steal them away from mommy and daddy and hurt them. We watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with them at age 3 and used that to teach them. The teaching paid off.
Someone tried to get my 5 year old son at the park one day. He was playing in the sandbox and a man came up and talked to him. He told him he had some candy for him if he would go with him to the bathroom. My son said he wasn't done playing yet, he'd go later. The man walked down towards the bathroom. When he was almost there my son jumped up and took 2 steps towards the bathroom, did a 180 and ran straight to me. (I was on the way to him) He was so proud of himself for tricking the child catcher.
So yeah, that's one good thing that came out of my abuse. That's a great thing, but I think God could have used a different method than that to get me to teach my children about the "bad guys who look good". Romans 8:28 is a hard sell for me. It's kinda like getting hit with a baseball bat to get your attention when a "hey you" would have worked just as well. Faith,Trust, Understanding, I wish I could understand. I push it down and pretend everything is ok. It's not. Eventually it comes back because it refuses to stay pushed down. What do I do with it?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Honesty Hurts
I don't know...
It just seems like honesty hurts. The kind of honesty that bares your soul to someone else. I've never done that before. I've been on the road to it and realized that the other person was putting up road blocks and didn't want to "see" and "know" me any more. What hurts is when the other person is one that you so desperately hope will know you and still love you or still be your friend.
I have a few very good friends, but I won't risk our friendship by letting them know the things that tear at my soul. Things that rip me apart in the struggle against them. I have whole catagories of me that no one has ever glimpsed. Only God. Am I wrong to want someone here on earth that I can talk to about everything? My everything is pretty intense.
One time, about a year ago, I thought there was someone who could handle my everything. So I asked her a question. This wasn't just any question. It was a real doozy. Took me weeks to work up to it. She didn't know the answer and said she would ask her pastor. I've called her a few times since then, and I've even asked her about the question a time or two. She evades. We don't really talk anymore. I over estimated what she could handle and lost a friend.
What do people do? There are so many layers of me and I can adapt and fit on the surface with many different types of people, and in diverse situations. What do people do around other people? How do they decide who they are, for that person and situation? Is that what people do? Do they consciously decide what part of their life they will allow others into? Does everyone have walled defenses many layers deep, but just keep everyone to the outer layers?
I'm tired of the walls, but I don't know how to keep up the right ones. I hear a lot of talk about the need for transparency in our lives with other Christians. What kind of transparency are they talking about? to what extent? I don't get it. It comes back to the fact that honesty hurts. It hurts when you're too honest with people. It also hurts when you hold back because they can't handle it.
It's me. Hello, it's just me. I have to live with me and I can't even let anyone else know me, not all of me. It's kind of lonely just being with me and knowing that if I was really honest, in a bare your soul kind of honesty, that I would be all alone because no one would stay. No one really knows me, but God. Is that how it has to be?
It just seems like honesty hurts. The kind of honesty that bares your soul to someone else. I've never done that before. I've been on the road to it and realized that the other person was putting up road blocks and didn't want to "see" and "know" me any more. What hurts is when the other person is one that you so desperately hope will know you and still love you or still be your friend.
I have a few very good friends, but I won't risk our friendship by letting them know the things that tear at my soul. Things that rip me apart in the struggle against them. I have whole catagories of me that no one has ever glimpsed. Only God. Am I wrong to want someone here on earth that I can talk to about everything? My everything is pretty intense.
One time, about a year ago, I thought there was someone who could handle my everything. So I asked her a question. This wasn't just any question. It was a real doozy. Took me weeks to work up to it. She didn't know the answer and said she would ask her pastor. I've called her a few times since then, and I've even asked her about the question a time or two. She evades. We don't really talk anymore. I over estimated what she could handle and lost a friend.
What do people do? There are so many layers of me and I can adapt and fit on the surface with many different types of people, and in diverse situations. What do people do around other people? How do they decide who they are, for that person and situation? Is that what people do? Do they consciously decide what part of their life they will allow others into? Does everyone have walled defenses many layers deep, but just keep everyone to the outer layers?
I'm tired of the walls, but I don't know how to keep up the right ones. I hear a lot of talk about the need for transparency in our lives with other Christians. What kind of transparency are they talking about? to what extent? I don't get it. It comes back to the fact that honesty hurts. It hurts when you're too honest with people. It also hurts when you hold back because they can't handle it.
It's me. Hello, it's just me. I have to live with me and I can't even let anyone else know me, not all of me. It's kind of lonely just being with me and knowing that if I was really honest, in a bare your soul kind of honesty, that I would be all alone because no one would stay. No one really knows me, but God. Is that how it has to be?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
We've been warned...
We've been warned...
We are now "outside of fundamentalism" while we are visiting this church. The man who warned us is someone we knew from a previous church we went to that was firmly inside fundamentalism. I guess he wanted to make sure we knew we were in a different camp. ----Oh, yeah. We figured that much out before we ever came to any of the care groups or to a church service. There are a lot of fundy hills that we're not going to die on. The style of music is just one of them. I couldn't care less whether there are electric guitars and drums or violins and flutes. If my boys never wear a tie to church again, so what. The last time I checked the Holy Spirit was still part of the trinity and I don't mind Him in church either.
No one in the PCA warned us that we were outside of fundamentalism, they just welcomed us to orthodoxy and were glad we had left Arminian beliefs(fundamentalism). To be fair, there are somehow those who consider themselves to be 5 pointers and are still in fundamentalism and yet not necessarily even a Reformed Baptist. I don't understand that.
I'm not exactly sure which part of the differences besides music and gifts are the ones which cross the fundamentalism line. I don't really care either. I'm not sure if its a "in your face I don't care what they think" or if it's because I see what these people have, and I want it so badly, that it doesn't matter that to get it, I have to "leave" fundamentalism. There is a lot we don't know about what this church believes in practical ways like "How involved can/should Christians be in politics?" I have gotten a taste of the fellowship this church has and I want more. It doesn't matter that the churches I came from wouldn't approve. They don't approve of the basic doctrines of grace I now hold so dear. So what's a little more disapproval? There is so much I need to learn over the right way or learn for the first time.
To my husband and I we left fundamentalism is stages.
First we left the "don't drink the kool-aid" dictatorship type of fundamentalism.(it's scary)
Second we left the guilt trip, work your butt off so God is happy with you, but you can wear pants(sometimes) type of fundamentalism.
Third we left the really nice kind that helps you out a lot when you need it, but once you need serious help you are now a designated project. If you ever graduate beyond project; then you must turn someone else into your project. It's hard to be transparent without someone turning you into a project, when all you want is a friend.
I don't know that we have left orthodoxy because it seems to me that every type of presby thinks the others are either too strict or too loose. I do think that the presby's will join together in saying that just because a church calls themselves reformed doesn't mean its so because they at least have to be Presbyterian for them to be truly reformed. Oh well, I guess we'll just "love God and enjoy Him forever" without man's approval.
We are now "outside of fundamentalism" while we are visiting this church. The man who warned us is someone we knew from a previous church we went to that was firmly inside fundamentalism. I guess he wanted to make sure we knew we were in a different camp. ----Oh, yeah. We figured that much out before we ever came to any of the care groups or to a church service. There are a lot of fundy hills that we're not going to die on. The style of music is just one of them. I couldn't care less whether there are electric guitars and drums or violins and flutes. If my boys never wear a tie to church again, so what. The last time I checked the Holy Spirit was still part of the trinity and I don't mind Him in church either.
No one in the PCA warned us that we were outside of fundamentalism, they just welcomed us to orthodoxy and were glad we had left Arminian beliefs(fundamentalism). To be fair, there are somehow those who consider themselves to be 5 pointers and are still in fundamentalism and yet not necessarily even a Reformed Baptist. I don't understand that.
I'm not exactly sure which part of the differences besides music and gifts are the ones which cross the fundamentalism line. I don't really care either. I'm not sure if its a "in your face I don't care what they think" or if it's because I see what these people have, and I want it so badly, that it doesn't matter that to get it, I have to "leave" fundamentalism. There is a lot we don't know about what this church believes in practical ways like "How involved can/should Christians be in politics?" I have gotten a taste of the fellowship this church has and I want more. It doesn't matter that the churches I came from wouldn't approve. They don't approve of the basic doctrines of grace I now hold so dear. So what's a little more disapproval? There is so much I need to learn over the right way or learn for the first time.
To my husband and I we left fundamentalism is stages.
First we left the "don't drink the kool-aid" dictatorship type of fundamentalism.(it's scary)
Second we left the guilt trip, work your butt off so God is happy with you, but you can wear pants(sometimes) type of fundamentalism.
Third we left the really nice kind that helps you out a lot when you need it, but once you need serious help you are now a designated project. If you ever graduate beyond project; then you must turn someone else into your project. It's hard to be transparent without someone turning you into a project, when all you want is a friend.
I don't know that we have left orthodoxy because it seems to me that every type of presby thinks the others are either too strict or too loose. I do think that the presby's will join together in saying that just because a church calls themselves reformed doesn't mean its so because they at least have to be Presbyterian for them to be truly reformed. Oh well, I guess we'll just "love God and enjoy Him forever" without man's approval.
Monday, April 16, 2007
What is Fellowship?
I'm done for now on dredging up past crap. It wears me out. I can't do anything!!!
I was up all night coughing too bad to sleep, and that was after I took one of those 12 hr cough medicines. I tootled around on the web most of the night. I guess I should have read a good book. Maybe not, though. I came away from my forum readings with a strong sense that the church we are now attending is the right choice.
We've had more real fellowship recently than we've ever had. God is good. I know he is, but sometimes things happen or fall together in a such a way that the goodness and love of God just grips me. God knew we weren't ready for this type of realness in fellowship even though we were hungry and looking for it. We had to be "starving" before we began to look again outside of the church we were in. That led us to a totally new kind of church, one that we wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole even a year ago.
What is fellowship? real fellowship? biblical fellowship? I say we've had more real fellowship recently than ever before.
My definition of real fellowship
I was up all night coughing too bad to sleep, and that was after I took one of those 12 hr cough medicines. I tootled around on the web most of the night. I guess I should have read a good book. Maybe not, though. I came away from my forum readings with a strong sense that the church we are now attending is the right choice.
We've had more real fellowship recently than we've ever had. God is good. I know he is, but sometimes things happen or fall together in a such a way that the goodness and love of God just grips me. God knew we weren't ready for this type of realness in fellowship even though we were hungry and looking for it. We had to be "starving" before we began to look again outside of the church we were in. That led us to a totally new kind of church, one that we wouldn't have touched with a 10 foot pole even a year ago.
What is fellowship? real fellowship? biblical fellowship? I say we've had more real fellowship recently than ever before.
My definition of real fellowship
- Doesn't center around small talk
- People will dig into your life and expect you to dig into theirs. This is also called transparency.
- This transparency is pouring out of people. Many mask layers are removed.
- Christ centered and life changing
- It's WOW! because it is radically different when it reaches past the pastor level and floods the rest of the church
I don't know if I 'm prepared for this fellowship, but I plan on jumping in with both feet.
Friday, April 13, 2007
We're going to die young and stupid.
I've been fighting the pollen the last few days and right now I feel like crap. The trucks are covered in the yellow dust pollen. I'll need to start sweeping the long pollen strings up pretty soon. My tolerance for our yapper is at an all time low. I just hollered at the son whose dog it is to "Train that yapper to shut up or keep him with you at all times. I'm sick of hearing him yap 24/7." We've bought bark collars at $50 a pop. They don't work. I wonder if a zap collar that I mash the button on would work any better. Do I want to spend that much money?
Last night I was pessimistic/depressed over how much there is to learn about God and what is the right way to believe and act. So I was being very negative in the conversation with my husband. I was comparing our life span to Adam's and our brain/smarts to Adams and my conclusion was that we could never learn enough to figure it out and we were going to die young and stupid. Well J set me straight. He basically said that if we had it all figured out and knew all the right answers that there'd be no one we would agree with and we'd still be alone and we'd be bored because we wouldn't have anything else to learn.
So the current thought is that we'll connect with a -----------Church and not worry about infant/believers/household baptism, end times, credo/paedo communion, covenant theology/new covenant theology, music, worship styles, the regulative principle of worship, gifts, cessationist/continuists etc. By the time we figure things out we'll be dead and we could still be wrong! There are a lot of smart people disagreeing on all these things, and I think I'm going to get it right?
It's kinda like going to Christian college and getting the rules handbook given to you your freshman year. I remember looking at it and thinking "I'm never going to get all this. I can't remember which places at which times with with who is off limits." I decided I'd just do what I do and hope I didn't get kicked out. I managed to make it through 4 years and graduate without ever even being "campused"(Christian college version of being grounded). So here we are thinking we're just going to go with it and learn along the way. We can take a lot of leeway on things if the relationships and true biblical fellowship are present in the church. The non-negotiables are the sovereignty of God and the doctrine of salvation along with the rest of the five points/doctrines of grace. We are definitely reformed, we're just not sure how much. Should we look for strong doctrine and give up on fellowship and accountability? We tried that and just about starved even while we were being comforted by the doctrinal preaching we were hearing. So now we will try a church that has fellowship as a main component of its practice. Hopefully it's not just talk or just something that exists in the goals of the pastor that hasn't yet made its way to the people. We agree on our non-negotiables. I guess we'll see if thats enough agreement.
Last night I was pessimistic/depressed over how much there is to learn about God and what is the right way to believe and act. So I was being very negative in the conversation with my husband. I was comparing our life span to Adam's and our brain/smarts to Adams and my conclusion was that we could never learn enough to figure it out and we were going to die young and stupid. Well J set me straight. He basically said that if we had it all figured out and knew all the right answers that there'd be no one we would agree with and we'd still be alone and we'd be bored because we wouldn't have anything else to learn.
So the current thought is that we'll connect with a -----------Church and not worry about infant/believers/household baptism, end times, credo/paedo communion, covenant theology/new covenant theology, music, worship styles, the regulative principle of worship, gifts, cessationist/continuists etc. By the time we figure things out we'll be dead and we could still be wrong! There are a lot of smart people disagreeing on all these things, and I think I'm going to get it right?
It's kinda like going to Christian college and getting the rules handbook given to you your freshman year. I remember looking at it and thinking "I'm never going to get all this. I can't remember which places at which times with with who is off limits." I decided I'd just do what I do and hope I didn't get kicked out. I managed to make it through 4 years and graduate without ever even being "campused"(Christian college version of being grounded). So here we are thinking we're just going to go with it and learn along the way. We can take a lot of leeway on things if the relationships and true biblical fellowship are present in the church. The non-negotiables are the sovereignty of God and the doctrine of salvation along with the rest of the five points/doctrines of grace. We are definitely reformed, we're just not sure how much. Should we look for strong doctrine and give up on fellowship and accountability? We tried that and just about starved even while we were being comforted by the doctrinal preaching we were hearing. So now we will try a church that has fellowship as a main component of its practice. Hopefully it's not just talk or just something that exists in the goals of the pastor that hasn't yet made its way to the people. We agree on our non-negotiables. I guess we'll see if thats enough agreement.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I Need Fellowship
I'm tired of being surrounded by people I "know" and yet they remain strangers and I'm still alone.
Anyone I get close to still somehow isn't a "peer" because they're older and/or have a position of quasi-authority. So, anyone in a position to get to know me and speak truth into my life and seems to be making that effort, ends up relegating me to "project" status; but never a friend. I'm a project, not a friend. That's what I get for transparency.
I'm not saying, "Poor me. I don't have any friends." I am saying that I need friends who will look at me as a friend, not an off and on project. I'd like to have some friends who are on the same page as I am theologically. Your theology makes a big difference in how you live your life. It'd just be nice to have someone care without it being because I need some serious help. And for me to know people who care because they care and don't have to be in the position of "official helper of this project(me)" before they care.
Ahhh fellowship...what does it look like? I need fellowship. Is it wrong that my husband isn't fellowship enough? Is this starving feeling a sign that I'm avoiding God and trying to replace Him with people? I really don't think it is. It's not an emptiness without God in it. Am I just wimping out? Many through the ages have been alone in their Christian life, why can't I hack it? I have my husband that I can actually see, and my children I have with me all the time. I have various versions of the Bible to read, lots of great books and online Christian resources. Why is it so lonely?
Anyone I get close to still somehow isn't a "peer" because they're older and/or have a position of quasi-authority. So, anyone in a position to get to know me and speak truth into my life and seems to be making that effort, ends up relegating me to "project" status; but never a friend. I'm a project, not a friend. That's what I get for transparency.
I'm not saying, "Poor me. I don't have any friends." I am saying that I need friends who will look at me as a friend, not an off and on project. I'd like to have some friends who are on the same page as I am theologically. Your theology makes a big difference in how you live your life. It'd just be nice to have someone care without it being because I need some serious help. And for me to know people who care because they care and don't have to be in the position of "official helper of this project(me)" before they care.
Ahhh fellowship...what does it look like? I need fellowship. Is it wrong that my husband isn't fellowship enough? Is this starving feeling a sign that I'm avoiding God and trying to replace Him with people? I really don't think it is. It's not an emptiness without God in it. Am I just wimping out? Many through the ages have been alone in their Christian life, why can't I hack it? I have my husband that I can actually see, and my children I have with me all the time. I have various versions of the Bible to read, lots of great books and online Christian resources. Why is it so lonely?
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