My Regression in Healing After BJU's Response to The GRACE Report: What does this mean for our family?

I haven't mentioned on this blog anything about our adoption process or that we have four boys that are placed with us and waiting for us to sign the paperwork.  My little guy just turned four and fits right in the middle of the three younger ones.  They have an older brother with autism who is 11 that we also have with us.

I am so torn up about adopting these boys.  I have spent far too much time trying and not doing so well in being okay enough to do the mom thing.  It works to a point because of my older children, but they aren't the ones doing the adopting.  Its not fair to them or to these four boys or to my little bio guy.  Just last night my husband asked about signing the paperwork, and I stalled.  I can't say yes.  I can't say no.  I say it depends on the day as to whether or not I think we can adopt them, but its been a long time since I had a yes day.  I know it's not just about how I feel, but I don't really know what to do with these things called feelings.  How do they relate to life?  I just know that most days I want out of this adoption process.  I want my little guy to go back to the way he was before they came.  I want his smile and laughter to be his default, not a treat for me to treasure.  I want his dreams to be full of laughter and giggles again and not crying out "NO!" 

It took me almost two years to get back to a fairly stable place after I interviewed with G.R.A.C.E. and now after the official report and then BJU's response to it is out, I find myself almost back to how bad it was right after filling out the questionnaire and then interviewing.  I can't deal with four boys who need me to be okay in order to be the mom they need.  I haven't allowed myself to think about this, so I haven't even written of it until today.  I can't do this.  I can't keep these boys.  We've had them since August 2014.  I don't know whether I'd be ruining their lives more by adopting them or by not adopting them.  And my little guy...What do I tell him?  My older ones who I have woefully neglected during this time, what about them?  

I was doing okay and thought I was healed enough to manage adopting.  It's been something I've wanted to do since I was a child.  I don't know how long it will be before I get back to that good place again.  In some ways I am affected differently, but still badly by BJU's response to the G.R.A.C.E. report.  I need to get stable again, and I can't do that and add in adopting this sibling group.  It's too much.  My life is full of "if only". 

Bob Jones University Responds to G.R.A.C.E. and I Fall Apart

Today I'm a horrible mom.  I've stayed locked in my room for most of the day curled up under the blankets, shaking.  My older children, young adults really, have fixed meals and boo boos for the little ones.

All I've done is stay alive.  Barely.

It would be nice to point to just one thing that I can fix and then solve the problem.  I can't.  I don't know how to fix it.  If Bob Jones University had admitted their wrong doing and made real changes instead of saying they are right about how they counsel; would that have made a difference in my today?  I know that the CYA apology Pettit gave sure hasn't helped me today.  It is more like I've been at the edge of the cliff with a few steps to spare and I just got shoved and I'm flailing my arms on the edge wondering why I don't just go with it and fall.

Then I hear my little ones voices.  They bring me pictures they colored.  An older one comes to tell me a funny story.  I talk with friends who know and care.  And I keep on flailing my arms, trying not to fall.

Mondays Irritating Question

Sundays question is, "How are you doing?" For most people I give some version of normal like: "Fine", "Doing all right.",  "Been busy" or list some activity we did or might think about doing.  Then along comes Monday and the question changes to, "So, how was your weekend?"  Really?  What is with the small talk?  I hate small talk.  I don't even like the phrase "small talk".  Why does the fact that I am trapped in a chiropractors office mean that I have any desire to have the same conversation starter that I don't want to start, started over and over.  This chiropractor has several therapies going on in series so I endured this question more than normal in a short span of time.  By the time I was at the massage therapists station I was so done dancing around the question of my weekend.

We somehow ended up having a real conversation.  I steered it by commenting on why my neck and shoulders were so tense and knotted up.  I simply said I've been really stressed for the last couple of weeks.  In turn she asked about why or what has been the stress.  We ended up with a genuine conversation about Bob Jones University and the GRACE investigation and also another Christian college she was much more familiar with.  I think she was a bit more free than she planned on being and seemed worried that I would be offended; and stressed that I did ask and it was only her opinion.  Hopefully I put her at ease on that point, but I doubt it.  I did enjoy a real conversation not based on polite small talk.  I didn't say much; it only took a decent comment on my part and she was off and running.  After the massage station I only had to endure one more person asking me about my weekend. :D

In case you were wondering, but certainly wouldn't dare to ask me now; my weekend was a mixed bag.  Friday was a major trigger type day.  I thought I could read a Psalm without ill effects.  NOPE, crash and burn.  Friday night was a big church get together at somebodies house.  That was good, but still triggering and I stayed more on the outer edges of things.  I love a good party and the wine was great and quite helpful.  Saturday we had a picnic and walked around downtown and enjoyed the day.  We hit all the little shops that we never stop in, and I found two Louis L'Amour books I haven't read yet.  Sunday at church was mildly difficult on my scale.  I was able to stay here even when triggered, and only had a few flashbacks.  In the afternoon I went out for dessert with a friend for my birthday, and I enjoyed it.  So that was my weekend.

Writing it out doesn't sound so bad, but when I was asked about my weekend  the only things I could remember were the intense triggers on Friday because I read a Psalm and the triggers and flashbacks on Sunday that stayed in the manageable range.  I only needed to use a handful of methods to keep me here and didn't have to use them the whole time.  I wish my first thoughts were of the nice picnic and the shops and going out with my friend.  I didn't think of any of those things the whole time I was at the chiropractors office being asked constantly about my weekend.  I don't know why

Bob Jones University Can't Rewrite History

Yesterday was such an emotionally charged day with the news that BJU had re-hired GRACE that

 

I had a hard time processing it enough to write. I already had a counseling meeting scheduled with

 

my pastor, and of course that was one of the topics we discussed.

 

 

 

As soon as I found out I felt a huge weight lift and a lot of tension in my body released. Rejoicing and

 

skepticism fought for dominance in my thinking and emotions all day. I'm still not sure where the

 

pendulum is going to settle. I do know, in a practical sort of way, that Bob Jones University is only

 

going to do what they are forced to, and if they had been able to find any other way around this

 

backpedaling and re-hiring of GRACE without any changes to the original contract, they certainly

 

would have done so. This is good news, yet it should never have even been an issue. BJU should

 

never have terminated GRACE. They didn't suspend them or the investigation no matter how they

 

try to lie about it and change the wording now, after the fact. I won't forget. We won't forget. They

 

can't rewrite this bit of history. Survivors have been silenced and told what the “truth” is no matter

 

what is remembered for many years. There are now too many writing the truth for a successful BJU

 

history re-write to occur. I know in my own life it's all been rewritten and how things were, is ignored

 

or forgotten. I'm not a child anymore and I am far enough removed in time that I can stand my

 

ground on what is true regarding my past. Therefore there is no way that BJU can wield that

 

institutional amnesia over me and other survivors, and have us succumb to their version of the events

 

by trying to alter the facts of their wording. No, they really did say

 

 

And here is the link for the termination letter

 

Bob Jones University's Termination Letter to G.R.A.C.E. 

 

If the link ever goes bad or gets deleted for some reason, I have a copy of the letter as a PDF on my

 

computer that I will put here in place of the link.

 

Last night a former high school classmate and fellow BJU grad asked me to briefly explain what the

 

BJU and GRACE thing was all about that she has been seeing and hearing about everywhere. I was

 

more than happy to fill her in, knowing that my explanation of recent events and the GRACE

 

investigation in general will spread farther. I can't fix what is wrong, but I can help carry the load; I

 

can give that hug and weep with those that weep and even rejoice with those who rejoice. I hope for

 

justice someday, but for now I can only do the things I am able in order to make my sphere of

 

influence a little brighter and a better reflection of how things will look when the world is set right

 

once again.

Bob Jones University's Termination Letter to G.R.A.C.E.

How Bob Jones University's Firing of GRACE Has Affected Me as a Survivor and Interviewee

Up until now I have never mentioned where I went to college or anything about that time in my life.  That's an impossible task to cover adequately in one post, but I do want to in a brief way discuss my infamous alma mater, Bob Jones University.  I grew up in a "Bob Jones" church, although in the early days it was more a Gothard church and I remember loading up in buses at church and riding downtown to the Basic Youth Conflicts meeting.  Brother Roloff was a regular preacher at our church, but I digress.  My college choices were Bob Jones University or Your on Your Own- Good Luck U.  The whole concept of scholarships and the evil government student loans was abhorred.  So off I went to Greenville, South Carolina and the Mecca of the Fundamentalist world, Bob Jones University.  I wasn't unhappy about it.  I had visited there a few times and knew how to dress like the college girls and not look like a high schooler.  I was quite pleased when my clothing was looked over by a girl that used to be in my youth group, but was now that most envied of positions, a GA(graduate assistant).  I thought I was hot stuff, with connections in the right places and coming from a well known and respected church and Christian school.  MY pastor was asked to speak at Bob Jones and so on.  I was such a self righteous, proud little brat, but I was never a Boje(that's BJ slang for tattletale).  My freshman year was an odd mix.  My APC(assistant prayer captain) was a 5th year senior who only had one semester left.  She introduced me to the wild crowd and told them I was cool and wouldn't get a conscience.  It's funny how she had me pegged.  I was very good at keeping quiet and self preservation.  I never did turn anyone in for anything my whole time at Bob Jones University, even when undergoing grilling by the Dean of Women (I always get Baker and Barker mixed up) or the Dean of Students, Mr. Berg.

One of my teachers my freshman year was similar in mannerisms and size as my teacher in elementary that molested and raped me during that whole school year.  I didn't have the right words for what was happening to me.  I genuinely liked Mr. Berg and went to him for help.  I described what was happening and one of the things I was told, was to think on those things that are lovely and to meditate on Philipians 4:8.  I tried so hard but things just got worse.  I have words now for what was happening:  triggers, flashbacks, PTSD and eventually dissociation.  I was severely depressed and became suicidal.  I thought I was going crazy.  I went to the wrong classes for an extended period of time until the teacher pointed out that I wasn't actually IN that class.  I would wander around and be vaguely aware that I was supposed to be somewhere.  After sessions with Mr. Berg I would walk out of the administration building and "come to" in some out of the way back campus location.

I'm barely touching on my experience with counseling while at Bob Jones, but it was a part of every year of my time there.  I interviewed with G.R.A.C.E. last year and have been paying a heavy toll for it.  I finally got to a point of relative peace in the last few months.  The flashbacks to the original abuse in elementary had become infrequent,  I could sing in church again and talking with a Baptist didn't throw me into panic.  I still couldn't read the Bible without being triggered, but I could listen to someone else read it, as long as it wasn't the King James version.  It was nice to wake up without that instant feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.  I made it past a major depression and time of being suicidal.  PTSD symptoms were basically gone for a while.  I was still in counseling with my pastor, but it had lost the edge of desperation that began our counseling relationship soon after I filled out the original GRACE questionnaire and then went into full blown longlasting flashbacks.  Believe me, that was an interesting call!

But now, BJU has fired GRACE and it's not looking like the report will ever see the light of day, if BJU can get away with it.  I've seen various blogs and comments mention how this decision to fire GRACE re-traumatizes victims, but I haven't seen anyone specifically saying how it does.  I'm going to tell you how it affects me, and I hope that others will tell in the comments, or elsewhere, how BJU's actions in firing GRACE is affecting them.

 1. My hands are sweating like a faucet, and it makes the keyboard slippery to type on.
 2. Betrayed
 3. Headaches and eye twitches have returned
 4. Nightmares are starting back up
 5. I am being more easily triggered again
 6. Flashbacks are returning
 7. Anxiety (and DON'T tell me to be anxious for nothing!)
 8. General nervousness
 9. Difficulty staying in the present while singing in church (fighting to not dissociate too badly)
10. Nausea
11. Difficulty sleeping(I haven't slept well for a couple of weeks now and I was up the whole night this past Saturday.)
12. Loss of appetite (I could stand to lose a bunch of weight, so that's almost ok with me)
13. I know I'm depressed, although I can't say to what degree, but not currently suicidal.
14. I am physically tense all over to the point of pain
15. You really don't want to know about the connection all this has with my bowels ;)
16. Church is again full of triggers for me and has been increasing each week since GRACE was fired
17. I have been irritable and hard to live with(I'm working on it!)
18. Loss of hope(but then I got really ticked and that helps because I am doing what I can)
19. Crying and not able to control emotions well, so I use anger to keep the tears in check
20. Really and truly beginning to grasp the depth and beauty of the imprecatory Psalms and praying in a very specific way towards Bob Jones University---Lord, hear my prayer.