The Anguished Cry

O LORD, how long shall I cry for help,

and you will not hear?

Or cry to you "Violence!"

and you will not save?

Why do you make me see iniquity,

and why do you idly look at wrong?

Destruction and violence are before me;

strife and contention arise.

So the law is paralyzed,

and justice never goes forth.

For the wicked surround the righteous;

so justice goes forth perverted.

Habakkuk 1:1-4

I listened to a sermon on this the other day.  I think it was a good sermon.  I need to listen to it again and hopefully I can fully turn off the baptist tapes in the background of my mind so I can understand what is being taught. http://www.wordmp3.com/details.aspx?id=11631 

I only know what is before me in words, not the technical ways of understanding who the passage is for and what it's "really" saying.  I know that was the anguished cry of my soul as a child.   Those questions are still unanswered, but from a safe vantage point of time I am still asking them.  "O LORD, why?"

http://sapn.nonprofitoffice.com/index.asp?Type=B_BASIC&SEC={492898A3-4F42-4A60-A5C1-4B75EBCA384A}&DE={4B0CF029-1207-4404-9699-2864F0991A27}
Criminal Statute of Limitations for Child Sexual Abuse
556.037 R.S.Mo. (2007)
556.037. Time limitations for prosecutions for sexual offenses involving a person under eighteen
Notwithstanding the provisions of section 556.036, prosecutions for unlawful sexual offenses involving a reason eighteen years of age or under must be commenced within twenty years after the victim reaches the age of eighteen unless the prosecutions are for forcible rape, attempted forcible rate, forcible sodomy, kidnapping, or attempted forcible sodomy in which case such prosecutions may be commenced at any time.

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Wow!!! What a gift, and I thought the statute of limitations had run out.
It can never run out. Not that I want to back off, but...he can still be brought to trial for all the times he raped me.

My question is this. Do I have to prove what he did to me? There were no "witnesses" that stood by and watched.

Denial? or protection

Who am I kidding? My 93 year old grandma doesn't even have a computer!!!

My kids? I don't know. How do you tell your kids something like this?

Everyone else? Shame?

I'm trying to breathe, hands sweating etc.


Yesterday I called a lawyer(I knew him when we were in grade school and college)
I also called the Independence Police Department and
and the Kansas City Police Department
--somehow my police report is missing but the record that it exists remains
--puzzling
I talked to 2 new friends that hadn't known any of this before, they know now.
I talked to the Metropolitan Organization to Counteract Sexual Assault(MOCSA)
I "chatted" with an old friend on facebook, she now knows

I think I'm doing pretty good, for a chicken.

I bought chocolate and hot tea. The chocolate is gone already:(

I think that for now I am as public in as many places as I can be and still hold together.

Using My Real Name!!?

Well, I finally took the plunge, overcame my fear, or maybe I only overcame my sense of self-preservation because I finally joined the rest of my generation and got a facebook account using my real name. My abuser also has a facebook account. I blocked him; hope it works.
He appears to have left the South and moved west according to his facebook info.

On my facebook wall I wrote that I was looking for other victims of a teacher I had had. I went to a medium to large size Christian school and then on to Bible college with some of the same people and I am now feeling like a bug under a magnifying glass. I have now just put out a huge advertisement and flashing neon lights about the fact that I was abused in some serious way and I sincerely hope that it pays off and he is brought to justice because this really sucks.

Here on my personal blog I will maintain anonymity except to an extremely small number who know me in real life.(about 4) I'm not sure if it's more to protect myself, or my family. I lean towards thinking it's for my family(grandma and my kids). I don't want my kids to know everything or really much of anything. My mom and I get along now, mostly because I threatened her that if she didn't treat me like a human being that her grandkids would never even know she existed, and she lives over a 1000 miles away. We talk on the phone and I enjoy it now. She acts like the past never happened. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

A Little Girl's Story

A long time ago there lived a little girl, who was hurt by the things her mother said. She knew her mother didn't really love her because she never smiled at her unless she did something especially good. The little girl knew that as long as she kept being good and working hard that her mother would smile at her and like her for at least that moment. She lived for the smiles and the nice things her mother said when she did a good job. Most of the time she just tried to stay out of her mother's way. She learned to walk quietly, play quietly and never cry even when she was hurt. She had an invisible friend that she talked to and played with. Eventually her mother became angry and told the little girl she couldn't talk to her invisible friend anymore because it embarrassed her. So the little girl stopped talking to her friend out loud and holding hands. Her invisible friend went away because the little girl wouldn't play anymore and pretended the invisible friend wasn't there when other people were there. The little girl was sad that her friend left her alone.



The little girl also had a dog and loved that dog for many years. She talked to her dog and cried and dried many tears in her dog's coat over the years. She was careful that her mom never knew how much she told her dog or how much she loved her. She never did get her friend back but instead she created a whole group of people for a story that she told every night when she went to bed. The story lasted from the time she was five years old until she was twelve. By the time the little girl was twelve she knew that no one would ever come to rescue her and so she ended the story.



The little girl needed rescuing. She needed it for a long time. But who rescues little girls who don't look hurt? No one. When the little girl was eight years old she made her mother angry and her mother told her she was leaving and never coming back. The front door slammed and the little girl cried for a long time. She finally climbed up on the couch to look out the window to see if her mother was coming back. There on the porch sat her mother. The little girl decided that she needed to learn all she could about cooking and cleaning so she could take care of things when her mother left someday for real. She worked very hard for a long time. Her mother was never pleased with anything she did, it was never good enough. The little girl was growing up on the outside, but was growing old on the inside. When the little girl was ten she realized she could never make her mother happy with her and gave up trying. She did what she always did and worked hard, but she had lost hope. She did what she did to avoid the screaming and endless lectures; but of course it wasn't good enough for her mother. She learned so well to hide all traces of emotion from her face and body. That wasn't quite right, because it brought down new tirades and harder beatings. So the little girl adjusted and learned to keep the expression on her face that her mother expected her to have during the screaming sessions. She learned to cry enough and at the right point to satisfy her mother that it hurt enough when she was beaten. The little girl went through a stubborn phase where she refused to cry and declared that it didn't hurt. That didn't last long and it really hurt the little girl. She learned to cry even when she was still able to take it, because it would stop sooner if she cried just right. She never told her daddy about anything her mother ever did or said.



When the little girl was eleven she had a teacher who was kind to her and said nice things to her. He picked her to help put up bulletin boards. That had always been the most envied classroom helper job in school. But to the little girl who didn't look so little, it became the most dreaded. She did tell her mother that she didn't want to go to school anymore and wanted to tell her daddy that she didn't want to go but her mother forbade her to say anything. By the end of the school year the little girl was a shadow of herself. She still hasn't found the rest of her. She says the rest of her has been killed and the remains will never be found. The little girl's wishes are for the teacher who hurt her to be punished so he can't hurt anyone else again.

Go figure. I have a therapist.

God's timing is incredible. Just yesterday I was saying that there's no one to counsel me because $100 an hour is not an option. I'll stay messed up if it cost that much to put me to rights. :(

Well today I took my son to his appointment with yet another therapist. I didn't have any hope that it would help, but it was "recommended" by the pysch hospital he was in. I've learned the hard way that recommendations aren't optional, they are mandated, no matter how much they claim otherwise. So I took him. I drove up there 2 hours to get him from the children's home and then got lost downtown and couldn't find the place. I hate new places!! I called and the receptionist talked me in. I hate feeling stupid.

I think the session went very well. Z actually talked. He wasn't nice, but he did talk a bit. Eventually he decided to go to sleep. It wasn't that long of a session, a 50 minute hour. Well Dr. A and I talked some more and somehow, I am trying to remember how, she asked me if I had been abused. She's really gooood for that to "come up" in conversation. For the life of me I can't remember how it started going that direction. I found out that a federal law has been passed that gives me 7 years instead of 5 years to prosecute. I need that extra time. This year has been consumed with Z issues. I have more time now.

She also asked/told me "Who in your family abused you? You didn't tell about the teacher so someone in your family must have primed the pump that you didn't tell." I just sat there looking at her, dumbfounded. I never did answer her. I started messing with filling out Z's paperwork some more. She said that abusers who threaten kids lives, if they tell, are cowards. (Maybe that was the point where she asked about me?) She said she could tell by the look on my face that I didn't know that. I'm in my 30's pushing 40 and I didn't know that. I still don't think I "know" that. I don't believe it. I do believe that he was scared to be found out, but I also believe that he would kill me if he could. I believe that he tried to set me up for that when I was 19. Cowards can kill. I'm still afraid.

I'm not sure how much Z got out of his session, but I got a lot. So much so that I called back twice this afternoon. Once was to find out what she was. She's a pyschologist. The second time was to actually talk to her to see if there was anyone like her near where I lived. She said she is one of a kind and laughed. We talked for a bit about if there was anyone closer and equal. She asked if it just clicked when we talked. I said yes. She has another office 45 minutes closer to me. She gave me the number and said to tell them that she sent me and approves it. Dr. A said it's hard to get in because she is really busy, but that would get me in. I called the office and evidently I'm out of the area they are supposed to take from, but since Dr. A. sent me they would take me. I have an appointment in 3 weeks. The receptionist asked insurance type questions and then asked the question I hate to answer. What is the presenting problem for you to see the Dr? Dancing around the answer didn't help. She asked if it was depression etc. I said no. Eventually I had to answer "childhood sexual abuse". I can write like crazy and be very verbal in my writing but to actually say it with audible words is something very different. I'm really amazed that I was able to talk to Dr. A without too much stuttering. I didn't freeze up once, but then again it wasn't about me to begin with. Maybe that helped; but I think she is just really good. Also I'm in a place where there are people that I see on a regular basis that I'm learning to trust because my being here is permament and not temporary. That's really suprising considering that in the past year I've had a good number of people drop me. The last batch that drop-kicked me was especially vicious. Why do I keep trying? I don't want to be alone in a crowd or in my life.

I trust the pastor of the church we are now attending, although he knows nothing of my specific past. He's seen us at our worst, family wise; or at least close to worst. He hasn't seen us on the edge of divorce, but he is seeing us through a major crisis with Z. What's worse? a suicidal, thinking about divorce mother, crisis point in discovery concerning childhood sexual abuse; or a homicidal, suicidal son? It's almost a toss up in stress levels. I'm not sure which is worse.

I think 2 weeks ago Pastor D asked me about hope. The basic idea of it was if we were hopeful about the placement we are working towards for Z. I told him we don't hope. I refuse to hope for anything, it hurts too much when it doesn't work out. If I don't hope then it's ok.

I'm thinking that's not really biblical. But I don't really care right now. Hope is too scary. And that's the problem with this appointment that I have coming up. I'm trying not to hope, but it's really hard not to. Do I thank God for hope or get angry because I'm getting hopeful once again? Anger fights off fear and tears, which are by products of hope. I'm scared to look at this again. I think it was 3 lawyers that turned me down to prosecute my case. That makes me feel that what I went through isn't seen as any real big deal. But it was and is.

Help Me Prosecute a Sexual Predator

I talked to a lawyer, actually went through a small string of them, this past summer. What it comes down to is that I have great info and diaries but without someone else with a similar experience it is not a case that can be won.

So it's left up to me to either hire or be my own P.I. and find other victims/survivors of this scumball of a teacher that was mine in 6th grade in a well-known christian school in the good ole state of Missouri.

He's been in other states too. Anybody out there? I'm running out of prosecution time. He's taught for over 20 years and even been a principal and it's always been in christian schools.

I'm not asking for vengence. If you want that it's between you and God. I don't want him to continue to hurt children. My class was the second year he taught. I've learned a lot lately about sexual predators and even at his fresh out of college age he was very good at what he did. With hindsight I can see his techniques, and they were not those of an amateur. I don't believe he has stopped and statistics will back me up.

Please help me to stop him for all the children he must have already hurt and those that are his future or present victims.

Do I fellowship with sinners?

I hope so. Jesus did.

Does it matter when a sin was committed as long as it's repented of? Ohh, you did what? Was that before or after you were saved? As if we're the judge whether that has been forgiven or not. Here's a great example I read somewhere recently online but forgot where. I think it was only a story. I don't have it all right, but I have the basic gist of it.

There are two men who were both in jail and were saved. One of the men murdered his wife and the other robbed a store. Parole day came and they both got out. The wife of the man who robbed the store had gotten involved with some other guy and now wanted a divorce. She divorced him.
Both men went on to be faithful and involved in a local church and after a while felt God leading them into ministry. The one time wife murderer asked and received counsel from his pastor and was encouraged to go to seminary because "brother, all your sins are under the blood". The second guy was really relieved that the guy who murdered his wife got the pastors approval and blessing to go into the ministry. So he goes in to talk to the pastor. The pastor asks him about his divorce and whether it was before or after he was saved. Verifying that it occured after salvation he told him he was disqualified from the ministry. "What do mean, disqualified? I didn't kill her. She divorced me."

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He should be free to remarry, pastor and live the Christian life a forgiven sinner like the rest of us. How many people did Paul have killed before he was saved? God forgave him and used him greatly. Paul never forgot where he came from, but he didn't allow it to chain him in the past and keep him from loving God and serving him in the present.

Sometimes I feel chained to the past. In a way I am. My past influences my present and my plans for the future. It's all connected. I'm not sure how to disengage from the past. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my teacher has affected me my whole life, even though I didn't remember the worst of it until fairly recently. It influenced the type of men I was drawn to or repelled by. My experiences drove my parenting practices. I had a big push with my kids on sneaky child catchers who seemed really nice, but just wanted to steal them away from mommy and daddy and hurt them. We watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with them at age 3 and used that to teach them. The teaching paid off.

Someone tried to get my 5 year old son at the park one day. He was playing in the sandbox and a man came up and talked to him. He told him he had some candy for him if he would go with him to the bathroom. My son said he wasn't done playing yet, he'd go later. The man walked down towards the bathroom. When he was almost there my son jumped up and took 2 steps towards the bathroom, did a 180 and ran straight to me. (I was on the way to him) He was so proud of himself for tricking the child catcher.

So yeah, that's one good thing that came out of my abuse. That's a great thing, but I think God could have used a different method than that to get me to teach my children about the "bad guys who look good". Romans 8:28 is a hard sell for me. It's kinda like getting hit with a baseball bat to get your attention when a "hey you" would have worked just as well. Faith,Trust, Understanding, I wish I could understand. I push it down and pretend everything is ok. It's not. Eventually it comes back because it refuses to stay pushed down. What do I do with it?

Just a few questions

We're trying to figure out what we believe and why and at the same time trying to find a church to grow in and worship with. It's hard to figure things out from a distance, but it's scary to get too close. I guess that sums it up fairly well. I talk big, but if its face to face I fall apart. I usually get out what I want to say but only if I wrote it down beforehand.

Here are some things that are important to us, but I don't know if we're looking at the right things and saying this is important.
1) family integrated worship- no age segregated ss on a regular basis
2) homeschool friendly-not just tolerated
3) not KJV only-strongly prefer the KJV not to be preached from
4) 6 day literal creation
5) fellowship that's real
6) the doctrines of grace unashamedly believed and preached--no tiptoeing around the buzz wordsHere are things we know are important to understand, but don't really get it yet(not in any particular order)
1) paedo-communion vs credo communion
2) infant baptism
3) believers baptism
4) wine vs juice (Lord's Supper)
5) bread-leavened or unleavened; yeast? (Lord's Supper)
6) the whole covenant thing
7) excommunication....shunning? ...barring from the table
8) household baptism
9) regulative principle of worship
10) how do you chose a denomination?--do you figure out what you believe first or do you just pick a church and plan on leaving in the future after you realize you don't believe what they believe?
11) What are the true fundamentals of the faith? the Westminister Confession?
12) what about the exceptions and the different versions of the Westminister Confession? What if I get the "wrong" version that's twisted somehow, or a study guide written by a nut with a familiar name? I'd rather do nothing than do it wrong.
13) militant Scottish presby history-Scottish presbyterian denominations
14) church history
15) How are dissention or doctrinal differences/disagreements supposed to be handled?
16) the whole church gov't and court- how does it work?--do I really need to understand it?
17) barring from the table/fencing
18) closed vs open communion
17) Are we to pursue justice?

Here are a lot of questions I've thought of to go along with #17:
a) Is the answer different if the person is a believer or not?
b) what if he claims to be?
c) Let's say he's been confronted and denies any wrongdoing; do you pursue justice by actively looking for information that would cause justice to be carried out on earth?
d) Do you pursue justice based on the severity of the offense?
e) Is seeking justice too close to seeking vengeance?
f) How is it common grace that one hasn't received justice; isn't that more mercy than grace?
g) Is mercy permanent and (common)grace temporary?
h) I heard/read somewhere that God's justice is mercy in that it stops one from continuing in sin unabated. How are justice and punishment related? and how do they differ?
i) How does one decide that it is time to pursue justice or to wait on God to carry it out?
j)If one decides it is right to pursue justice; then how is that done without it taking over every spare moment and more?
k) Do you wait until you have time or do you fit it in?
l) What criteria should one have to determine whether it is right or the right time to pursue justice?

These thoughts have been on my mind quite a while. I usually push them aside, but it seems that God keeps bringing them up due to sermons or Sunday school lessons and even fluff books I've read recently. I don't know, maybe it's just something to sidetrack me and it's not from God at all. I can't tell the difference.

There's a lot of things that are on our minds. I don't know how to order them. I do know that I belong to God, but some days that's all I'm sure of.