Go figure. I have a therapist.

God's timing is incredible. Just yesterday I was saying that there's no one to counsel me because $100 an hour is not an option. I'll stay messed up if it cost that much to put me to rights. :(

Well today I took my son to his appointment with yet another therapist. I didn't have any hope that it would help, but it was "recommended" by the pysch hospital he was in. I've learned the hard way that recommendations aren't optional, they are mandated, no matter how much they claim otherwise. So I took him. I drove up there 2 hours to get him from the children's home and then got lost downtown and couldn't find the place. I hate new places!! I called and the receptionist talked me in. I hate feeling stupid.

I think the session went very well. Z actually talked. He wasn't nice, but he did talk a bit. Eventually he decided to go to sleep. It wasn't that long of a session, a 50 minute hour. Well Dr. A and I talked some more and somehow, I am trying to remember how, she asked me if I had been abused. She's really gooood for that to "come up" in conversation. For the life of me I can't remember how it started going that direction. I found out that a federal law has been passed that gives me 7 years instead of 5 years to prosecute. I need that extra time. This year has been consumed with Z issues. I have more time now.

She also asked/told me "Who in your family abused you? You didn't tell about the teacher so someone in your family must have primed the pump that you didn't tell." I just sat there looking at her, dumbfounded. I never did answer her. I started messing with filling out Z's paperwork some more. She said that abusers who threaten kids lives, if they tell, are cowards. (Maybe that was the point where she asked about me?) She said she could tell by the look on my face that I didn't know that. I'm in my 30's pushing 40 and I didn't know that. I still don't think I "know" that. I don't believe it. I do believe that he was scared to be found out, but I also believe that he would kill me if he could. I believe that he tried to set me up for that when I was 19. Cowards can kill. I'm still afraid.

I'm not sure how much Z got out of his session, but I got a lot. So much so that I called back twice this afternoon. Once was to find out what she was. She's a pyschologist. The second time was to actually talk to her to see if there was anyone like her near where I lived. She said she is one of a kind and laughed. We talked for a bit about if there was anyone closer and equal. She asked if it just clicked when we talked. I said yes. She has another office 45 minutes closer to me. She gave me the number and said to tell them that she sent me and approves it. Dr. A said it's hard to get in because she is really busy, but that would get me in. I called the office and evidently I'm out of the area they are supposed to take from, but since Dr. A. sent me they would take me. I have an appointment in 3 weeks. The receptionist asked insurance type questions and then asked the question I hate to answer. What is the presenting problem for you to see the Dr? Dancing around the answer didn't help. She asked if it was depression etc. I said no. Eventually I had to answer "childhood sexual abuse". I can write like crazy and be very verbal in my writing but to actually say it with audible words is something very different. I'm really amazed that I was able to talk to Dr. A without too much stuttering. I didn't freeze up once, but then again it wasn't about me to begin with. Maybe that helped; but I think she is just really good. Also I'm in a place where there are people that I see on a regular basis that I'm learning to trust because my being here is permament and not temporary. That's really suprising considering that in the past year I've had a good number of people drop me. The last batch that drop-kicked me was especially vicious. Why do I keep trying? I don't want to be alone in a crowd or in my life.

I trust the pastor of the church we are now attending, although he knows nothing of my specific past. He's seen us at our worst, family wise; or at least close to worst. He hasn't seen us on the edge of divorce, but he is seeing us through a major crisis with Z. What's worse? a suicidal, thinking about divorce mother, crisis point in discovery concerning childhood sexual abuse; or a homicidal, suicidal son? It's almost a toss up in stress levels. I'm not sure which is worse.

I think 2 weeks ago Pastor D asked me about hope. The basic idea of it was if we were hopeful about the placement we are working towards for Z. I told him we don't hope. I refuse to hope for anything, it hurts too much when it doesn't work out. If I don't hope then it's ok.

I'm thinking that's not really biblical. But I don't really care right now. Hope is too scary. And that's the problem with this appointment that I have coming up. I'm trying not to hope, but it's really hard not to. Do I thank God for hope or get angry because I'm getting hopeful once again? Anger fights off fear and tears, which are by products of hope. I'm scared to look at this again. I think it was 3 lawyers that turned me down to prosecute my case. That makes me feel that what I went through isn't seen as any real big deal. But it was and is.