Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Moving-so I'm taking a blog posting break
I have more to post about the conference but I have to pack because we are moving. I probably won't post for a couple of weeks.
Reflections on Conference of The Lambs and what I learned
The dam is breaking. I don't cry, but from June 14 on I have been. We arrived in Charlotte and checked into our room. The first thing I saw was the gift bags Jeri made for us. I looked through it and it was filled with good snacks and useful stuff you end up forgetting to bring. There was also a small silver colored box. I opened it up and inside was a silver lamb and shepherds staff pin. Instantly my eyes filled with tears at this kindness. This is now a forever treasured possession of mine. I find myself melting at kindness. I can toughen up and take about anything someone dishes out, but kindness in word or action is taking out my walls and is causing emotion to reemerge from me.
We left the hotel and headed over to Northside Baptist and found the conference. Jeri greeted us when we walked in. Tables were set up at the front near the stage. I was intensely nervous and drove my husband crazy until we actually got there. I haven't been inside a baptist church for 5 years and I was so stressin'. In the last month I've met baptists who were nice, didn't condemn and were normal people. They were even people I learned from and I could talk to without too much fear. I haven't knowingly talked to one in the last 4 years. I even avoid the Reformed Baptists. That's a rabbit trail, but I have somewhat altered my avoidance policy of all baptists now due to the love shown by some baptists at the Conference of the Lambs.
Dan Burrell said some things about discipleship that really hit home with me. It gave words to a hurt feeling I've had for the last 2 years. He said that people "win souls" and then just leave them on their own. It's like having a baby and then just leaving it on the sidewalk. It's abandonment. You wouldn't do that to a baby and it shouldn't be done to a new Christian either. He may have also said that it shouldn't be done to a hurting one either or else I was thinking it so loud that I think he said it but I'm not sure.
Along those same thoughts I realized what hurt so much after coming out of the church we did. There were two ladies who were very helpful in the early days of getting to know me and help me work through some difficult things. I dealt with twisted teaching that made it very difficult to understand the Bible. I came to Christ; my marriage began to unravel; My memory was triggered by a confession made to me; the blanks in my memory began to be restored and I vividly remembered past sexual abuse by my teacher. This was not an easy time for me. At the time I thought these ladies were friends, all too soon I discovered I was only their project.
As their project I came to Christ and began dealing with some of this stuff. In different ways they backed way off from me and once again I felt rejection and abandonment. It wasn't real friendship. I tried again later with someone else, same thing. Basically I've just been left on my own to figure things out. That abandonment and realization that I was only a project led to me being even more self-protective for the next two years. I was wrong to do that, but I think it was a way for me to cope with more rejection. I don't handle it well.
Dan wrote up on the white board YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I have felt alone even though I knew that others have had very similiar experiences. To sit in a room with people that you know have been hurt, to see the words written, to hear them said and to experience the love of Christ in action through this conference finally caused the truth of the statement YOU ARE NOT ALONE to sink into my heart. Tears were just below the surface and leaked out slowly.
The main thing I came away with was that God loves me. My mind knows that God loves me, but the rest of me has a hard time believing it. I know it, been told it but haven't really experienced it until recently. One huge expression of that love was the Conference of the Lambs.
We left the hotel and headed over to Northside Baptist and found the conference. Jeri greeted us when we walked in. Tables were set up at the front near the stage. I was intensely nervous and drove my husband crazy until we actually got there. I haven't been inside a baptist church for 5 years and I was so stressin'. In the last month I've met baptists who were nice, didn't condemn and were normal people. They were even people I learned from and I could talk to without too much fear. I haven't knowingly talked to one in the last 4 years. I even avoid the Reformed Baptists. That's a rabbit trail, but I have somewhat altered my avoidance policy of all baptists now due to the love shown by some baptists at the Conference of the Lambs.
Dan Burrell said some things about discipleship that really hit home with me. It gave words to a hurt feeling I've had for the last 2 years. He said that people "win souls" and then just leave them on their own. It's like having a baby and then just leaving it on the sidewalk. It's abandonment. You wouldn't do that to a baby and it shouldn't be done to a new Christian either. He may have also said that it shouldn't be done to a hurting one either or else I was thinking it so loud that I think he said it but I'm not sure.
Along those same thoughts I realized what hurt so much after coming out of the church we did. There were two ladies who were very helpful in the early days of getting to know me and help me work through some difficult things. I dealt with twisted teaching that made it very difficult to understand the Bible. I came to Christ; my marriage began to unravel; My memory was triggered by a confession made to me; the blanks in my memory began to be restored and I vividly remembered past sexual abuse by my teacher. This was not an easy time for me. At the time I thought these ladies were friends, all too soon I discovered I was only their project.
As their project I came to Christ and began dealing with some of this stuff. In different ways they backed way off from me and once again I felt rejection and abandonment. It wasn't real friendship. I tried again later with someone else, same thing. Basically I've just been left on my own to figure things out. That abandonment and realization that I was only a project led to me being even more self-protective for the next two years. I was wrong to do that, but I think it was a way for me to cope with more rejection. I don't handle it well.
Dan wrote up on the white board YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I have felt alone even though I knew that others have had very similiar experiences. To sit in a room with people that you know have been hurt, to see the words written, to hear them said and to experience the love of Christ in action through this conference finally caused the truth of the statement YOU ARE NOT ALONE to sink into my heart. Tears were just below the surface and leaked out slowly.
The main thing I came away with was that God loves me. My mind knows that God loves me, but the rest of me has a hard time believing it. I know it, been told it but haven't really experienced it until recently. One huge expression of that love was the Conference of the Lambs.
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