My Regression in Healing After BJU's Response to The GRACE Report: What does this mean for our family?

I haven't mentioned on this blog anything about our adoption process or that we have four boys that are placed with us and waiting for us to sign the paperwork.  My little guy just turned four and fits right in the middle of the three younger ones.  They have an older brother with autism who is 11 that we also have with us.

I am so torn up about adopting these boys.  I have spent far too much time trying and not doing so well in being okay enough to do the mom thing.  It works to a point because of my older children, but they aren't the ones doing the adopting.  Its not fair to them or to these four boys or to my little bio guy.  Just last night my husband asked about signing the paperwork, and I stalled.  I can't say yes.  I can't say no.  I say it depends on the day as to whether or not I think we can adopt them, but its been a long time since I had a yes day.  I know it's not just about how I feel, but I don't really know what to do with these things called feelings.  How do they relate to life?  I just know that most days I want out of this adoption process.  I want my little guy to go back to the way he was before they came.  I want his smile and laughter to be his default, not a treat for me to treasure.  I want his dreams to be full of laughter and giggles again and not crying out "NO!" 

It took me almost two years to get back to a fairly stable place after I interviewed with G.R.A.C.E. and now after the official report and then BJU's response to it is out, I find myself almost back to how bad it was right after filling out the questionnaire and then interviewing.  I can't deal with four boys who need me to be okay in order to be the mom they need.  I haven't allowed myself to think about this, so I haven't even written of it until today.  I can't do this.  I can't keep these boys.  We've had them since August 2014.  I don't know whether I'd be ruining their lives more by adopting them or by not adopting them.  And my little guy...What do I tell him?  My older ones who I have woefully neglected during this time, what about them?  

I was doing okay and thought I was healed enough to manage adopting.  It's been something I've wanted to do since I was a child.  I don't know how long it will be before I get back to that good place again.  In some ways I am affected differently, but still badly by BJU's response to the G.R.A.C.E. report.  I need to get stable again, and I can't do that and add in adopting this sibling group.  It's too much.  My life is full of "if only". 

Bob Jones University Responds to G.R.A.C.E. and I Fall Apart

Today I'm a horrible mom.  I've stayed locked in my room for most of the day curled up under the blankets, shaking.  My older children, young adults really, have fixed meals and boo boos for the little ones.

All I've done is stay alive.  Barely.

It would be nice to point to just one thing that I can fix and then solve the problem.  I can't.  I don't know how to fix it.  If Bob Jones University had admitted their wrong doing and made real changes instead of saying they are right about how they counsel; would that have made a difference in my today?  I know that the CYA apology Pettit gave sure hasn't helped me today.  It is more like I've been at the edge of the cliff with a few steps to spare and I just got shoved and I'm flailing my arms on the edge wondering why I don't just go with it and fall.

Then I hear my little ones voices.  They bring me pictures they colored.  An older one comes to tell me a funny story.  I talk with friends who know and care.  And I keep on flailing my arms, trying not to fall.