Theology Thursday--What the heck is joy?

All my life I've heard that Christians are supposed to be joyful.  I've even heard that joy isn't the same as happiness.  For the first time though I'm told at my church's ladies book study that joy is something the Holy Spirit does.  Now I have been taught that joy is a fruit of the Spirit, but anyone who reads Galations 5 can see it listed out plainly as one of the fruits of the Spirit, so that's an easy one.  A few times I've heard that joy is something that naturally comes out or shows clearly in a Christian.  See that's what I have a problem with.  I know how I feel a lot of the time and joy isn't it.  I'm not exactly sure what joy looks like.

I've seen people I know to be Christians walking around and they seem lighthearted and untouched by unusual tragedy.  Other Christians I've noticed seem to be dialed down a notch, but still have that something I can't identify, in common.  Then there are those whom I know that have incredible pain in their life that ebbs and flows like the tides.  I see the pain in their eyes, hear it in their voice, feel it in their writing and all the while, others say how strong they are, what a testimony they are, and all the platitudes that come with the comfort of others.  What they say is true, but the pain is still there.  Behind the brave smiles, and speech is pain; and the more other people tell you how strong you are and what a testimony the more constrained you become to hide the pain.  The days get better, sometimes you forget and then you remember again.  What makes the difference between daily agony, numbness, forced forgetfulness and joy?
There is an enormous gap between forced forgetfulness and joy.  How in the world does one get to joy?

So that brings me back to joy being a fruit of the Spirit and what that fruit looks like, especially in the lives of Christians who have had tragedy of various sorts.  Is joy possible with just the passage of time?  I say no.  Time doesn't heal squat; time gives you a chance to improve on your inner Spock. 
Another thing said at the ladies book study is that we don't have to act joyful.  Well that's a relief!  From what I understand the Spirit gives joy.  But I have several questions related to that: to whom, how, why, will He give it to me, and what do I have to do or be in order for the Spirit to give me joy?

A constant refrain I hear is that this is the middle of the story, this isn't all there is, God is still writing my story and He will finish it on time.  That's good to know and is actually a comfort; and for me there isn't much said that is intended to comfort which does in reality, it usually causes additional pain.
We are going through Ecclesiates and the book Joy at the End of the Tether by Douglas Wilson.  Perhaps I will have a better answer to what joy actually is and how it looks in Christians who have much pain by the time we finish this study.  At the same time my pastor just began preaching through Philipians, another joy topic.  Hopefully I'll learn something.  What I'm not looking forward to is hearing Phil 4:8 read and preached on.  That's a major trigger for me.  I think I'll stay home from church and bury my head on that day.

Themed Blogging Days

Thinking about ways of being more intentional with this blog and I'm going to try themed blogging days.  Something like:
Marvelous Monday, Mad Monday or Morbid Monday or maybe just to be a little more "normal" I'll do Monday Munchies.
Truthful Tuesday, Tuesday Triggers, Troubled Tuesday, or Torturous Tuesdays: a walk down memory lane
Wednesday Wonders, Wordless Wednesday(I like pictures and occasionally I take a good one)
Theology Thursday (I could probably write on this, pose questions, post about the crappy "answers" I've received over the years)
Fearful Friday or Fabulous Friday (That's really polar opposites, maybe I'll just skip Fridays)
Searching Saturdays (open ended theme that can work for a lot of things, even normal living life stuff)

My Lousy Balancing Act...

I've been trying out, in great seriousness and effort, another go round of counseling with a pastor and not just some pastor that I drive to go see that doesn't see me on Sunday or other times, but my pastor, the one who is charged with shepherding the sheep in his flock, of which I am one.  I'm not sure how well it's going.  Rather, I'm not so sure how well I am doing.  I don't know how to balance honesty, openness, anger and being nice.  I don't think I can be fully honest and nice at the same time.  I can be honest in a limited scope and be nice which is how you act with everyone else when you know they have neither the time, nor inclination to hear your deepest darkest.  And that's ok, that's life.  I sure don't want everyone I know to know all about me.  Hence the somewhat anonymous blog. hehe  But as far as maintaining civility and avoiding the appearance of anger while being fully honest and open, well I've never done that before.   Never is a strong word, but it might just fit this time.

I keep coming back to the difficulty I have in balancing emotions and behavior.  Being able to handle church, preaching, Bible reading, singing and physical touch without the necessity of retreating physically and/or emotionally in order to maintain a facade of normalcy is where I would like to be some day.  I'm tired of the facade.  When I let up and am fully, or nearly fully, open and honest then I am always the loser.  When I restrain myself and limit what I say or try to act like all is okay when I am falling apart on the inside; then I still lose because I think people notice and pull away.  I'm not sure if it's because they are bothered that I don't trust them enough to be real with them or if they are retreating to avoid any possibility of getting too close to my screwed up self.

I've been scarily honest in some emails with my pastor after counseling times, and didn't try to hide my anger.  Is that keeping it real or is it being a jerk?  Having to ask such a question reflects my lousy balancing skills.  Anyway, this has been a hell of a week.  DH and I had a medium sized fight last Sunday night, and of course he brought it up in counseling on Monday afternoon.  I wasn't nice.  I was sarcastic, rude, angry, hurt and scared, but didn't show I was hurt and scared, just used all the ugly ways of protecting myself from being known.  That was a dud of a counseling session,  I was actually asked to leave so the pastor could talk to just my DH.  It was just supposed to be for 10 minutes and then I thought I was coming back in, but that actually ended the session.

I've been in a funk, depressed, planning how to win the war with my husband, ended up being really sorry for some emails I sent and I've cried a lot this week. And to top it off,  tonight I was quite triggered by reading I John in preparation for the upcoming Sunday school series. And I didn't even read it, I listened to it on my iphone from a link for this weeks church news.  Like I said, this has been a rough week.  No let up.