Dissociating Doesn't Have to be Forever. Hope is Real.

I have some goals I'd like to meet, and counseling is helping me move towards those goals.  One fairly simple sounding one is to be able to read the Bible without being triggered, having flashbacks or dissociating.  That's not an easy thing for me.  I can't just turn all that off.  The ways I have to turn it off are to shut emotions down again and go into robot mode, or to not read the Bible.   I can listen to it being read in church, and it's now only occasionally a problem.  When I read it or someone reads it to me personally then it becomes some sort of a weapon aimed at me.  (And it's not the sword of the spirit bringing much needed conviction to my life.) 

My pastor read Matthew 15:10-20 to me in our last counseling session.  He thought it would be a comfort to me; instead it was a major trigger and I zoned in and out and had flashbacks too.  It was really weird to have so much going on in my mind and yet a kind of nothingness going on at the same time.  I was able to listen and hear what he was saying pretty well, considering.  I learned something surprising, the flashbacks and all the other involuntary things are not "my" evil coming out of me or a lack of applying Philippians 4:8 properly(think on those things that are lovely etc).  It is a result of evil done TO me.  Along with this idea that I think has finally sunk in, came the statement.  "You can't separate your body from the rest of yourself."  That surprised me.  For the last two years I have been reconnecting and it has been a rough transition.  I have kept separated for most of my life, but I know it's not a good long term solution.

From the time I was young I would go into a dark little room in the corner of my mind until it was safe to come out.  Most of the time the room was dark and my "inside me" would just curl up there for a while.  Other times it was a whole nother beautiful world where I was the hero and I was surrounded by friends who were family to me.  I didn't dare go there too often because I think it made me smile or something that made things worse for the "outside me", and when that happened I would be jolted back to the outside.

As a child, Spock was my favorite Star Trek character.  I studied him nightly with every episode.  I practiced in the mirror complete facial control of emotions and ultimately successfully suppressed involuntary emotional responses.  It took practice, but I was motivated.  This complete emotion control was necessary to shorten the beatings and lectures at home.  A lecture doesn't sound bad, but it is when you have to stand perfectly still, but not too still, and have the correct facial expression at all times for 45 minutes or more.  If my stance shifted or my expression wasn't correct; then I would get another spanking for the "offence" I was being lectured for.  If I was lucky I would only get three sets of "spankings".  You would think I would be quite good at standing still by the end of 6th grade, since that was one of his favorite tortures.  Making me stand facing the wall for the 45 minute recess while he told me what I had to do to get off the wall.  Talk about controlling my facial expressions and just leaving my body.  I was good at it.

As a teen I added in Data from The Next Generation to my studies.  I didn't do so well with modeling Data.  He wasn't inconsistent enough, but it was still helpful.  For most of my life I've done this thing called dissociation, but didn't know the name for it until this past year.  Dissociating is what allowed me to stay sane and function.  This separation is my default and that's why I dissociate so easily, it removes me from what causes me pain.  It separates "me" from my body and mind.  At this point it is no longer a help.  It has become a hindrance and gets in the way of comprehending truth, dealing with current events in life, or being able to read the Bible.  Increasingly I am gaining hope that I can relearn everything, and be whole again.  Someday the old tapes will be completely destroyed and new ones in place.  Right now the old ones are being overwritten, but they still leak through pretty strongly.  What's awesome is that I recognize when garbage leaks through, or someone else recognizes it; and I am in a place where God is busy writing over the old tapes through friends, sacraments at church, Psalm singing and my pastors.  

Psalm 121:1

I lift up my eyes to the hills. 

From where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

The Lord has sent help and a whole lot of it.  I may not be able to look at v7 right now without problems, but someday maybe I can.