I'm back again with counselling. I think I will last this one out. I'm journaling and giving copies of the pages to him. We talked some about being dependent on God. And some on being able to "meltdown" in a safe place. I don't like that. Is there ever a place that safe?
"redemptive meltdown" How is it redemptive? How does losing control help? How do you know God is inviting you to deepen your dependency on Him? and how do you do that?
I'd like to ask why you would want to be more dependent on God, in general I know we all should be, but I personally just don't want to be. I almost want to want to be dependent on God, but I'm afraid to get the rug pulled out from under me again in order for me to run to God.
So if I just stand my distance from God relationally, then maybe nothing will happen. When I do move towards God then things usually fall apart and then I get even closer to God. The common thread is always this: I move towards God and all hell breaks loose; I cling to him until things have calmed down and then I slowly back away from the Rock that the ocean has beat me against and decide that I'm only going to go wading--no more swimming out towards the Rock.
There is something seriously wrong with how I relate to God, but I am afraid to try to fix it.
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I'm planning being more consistent in my blogging, so I'll actually be around to converse with.