Prayer for when I don't have the words. Psalm 130 --New Living Translation--

Psalm 130

From the depths of despair, O LORD,

   I will call for your help.

 

Hear my cry, O Lord.

   Pay attention to my prayer.

 

LORD, if you kept a record of our sins,

   who, O Lord, could ever survive?

 

But you offer forgiveness,

   that we might learn to fear you.

 

I am counting on the LORD,

   yes, I am counting on him.

   I have put my hope in his word.

 

I long for the Lord

   more than sentries long for the dawn,

   yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.

 

O Israel, hope in the LORD;

   for with the LORD there is unfailing love.

   His redemption overflows.

 

He himself will redeem Israel

   from every kind of sin.

An Odd Collection of Friends

It was a decade or so ago and I was in desperate need of help. 

In search for tangible and lasting help that brought healing and not more pain I kept trying to find some one or some thing to help.  It's all a blur, unless I slow down and think about it, the stream of people I looked to for comfort and ministration and found that their capacity to simply hear my story was so small.  The few who could hear some parts of it and remain my friend and not turn me into a dreaded sympathy project were those who themselves were so wounded.  We gathered together at all night restaurants and talked till dawn.  Just friends talking, no projects allowed.

After a time, and so many hours drinking sweet tea, coffee and cappuccino and splitting hash browns at three in the morning, the gatherings eventually had more reasonable hours and we met at my house for popcorn, hot chocolate with butter schnapps, white zinfandel and talking and board games.  We felt like normal people, with friends.

Our conversations were different than any other gathering of friends or church people I'd ever experienced.  We spoke of cutting; head banging; sleeping the darkness away; the need to check on a friend who might be suicidal, again; and abuse, all kinds.  We spoke of God and Bible verses that helped, but mostly we were the hands of Jesus to each other because everyone else hurt us more.

I'd like to say that I was strong and a source of comfort and was full of empathy for these dear ladies.  In reality we were all barely functioning and from day to day what kept us together was the knowledge that we were all we had.  We were all in different churches, and each of our churches were actively "helping" in our lives in some way.  We needed each other.

New Experiences in Dissociation and Friendship

Some more on dissociation.  I haven't been having much of a problem with it for the last few months even though I've been in church and fully engaged in listening and participating in the services.  A few blips here and there at church, but nothing I wasn't able to hide due to how the service is structured.  I may sit down or get up a bit later than everyone else or blank out for most of a song but it has been manageable.

One thing I've never done, up until last Monday, is to purposefully fight the entire time to not dissociate without my fighting it off method to be loudly arguing and slamming doors.  I was at a friends house, a very good friend who didn't freak out that I was shaking with cold in front of a fire and had strange things going on with my eyes.  She got me a blanket and a shawl and kept talking to help keep me in the here instead of drifting off to safety.  I think I fought so much to stay "here" because I knew I was completely safe, and that's my guess as to why I didn't just drift off.  I actually had blurred vision and could barely see and my eyes felt stretchy and like I needed to shove them back into my eye sockets.  I don't know how long I shivered in front of her fire wrapped up in blankets listening to her talk and talking some myself too.  My speech was also messed up. 

That was another first time event; talking while in the warp speed mode of dissociation.  If you have watched much Star Trek then you will have likely seen the Enterprise going into warp speed.  Somewhere along the way I saw an episode where time was distorted and someone got stuck in an alternate time.  Just imagine the effect on yourself if part of you is at warp speed and the rest of you is at half impulse.  It's a major disconnect and communication between the two parts of you is greatly distorted.

I'm not positive that my default to dissociate under stress is something that will go away, but the longer I am in a place of safety and have close friends that I could see myself wrapped up in their living room fighting to stay in the moment, the less I actually do dissociate.  Of course the exceptions are when something new gets opened up that has been buried for most of my life.  It was such a topic that spiraled me almost back to how I was coping about a year and a half ago. 

Friends are of all different sorts.  I am blessed with growing, face to face, local friends that in some small ways know my story.  I also have some friends from my childhood that remember who the 6th grade teacher was.  They are still my friends and even though we don't see each other, we maintain some connection.  Thank God for facebook and phones!  Other friends are no longer local to me; I moved or they moved, yet I can call and we are instantly reconnected.  Strangest of all are the friendships which came through facebook and turned into something real.  These last couple of weeks have been like friendship growth on overload.  What is completely amazing to me is that these are friends who have been able to hear my story and more categories of it than anyone else; they even beat out my incredible pastor who in the last two years has brought me from an incoherent mess to a point of beginning to thrive.

I've been a good friend to many people, but I am in awe of these two ladies who are able to be good friends to me even though they know so much of my story.  It is an unexpected gift at a time when I really am in need of it.