Pre-Written Prayers Are Reusable and Helpful Too

Growing up IFB(Independent Fundamental Baptist) I was taught that the only real prayers were those you prayed on the spot.  It was clearly said that any accidental recordings of prayers weren't able to be prayed again because they could only be prayed once.  Of course the Psalms were never seen as any type of prayer.  The "Lord's Prayer" wasn't a real prayer either; it was just a model of how we were to pray.  The older I grew the more restrictions and rules there were that applied to how to properly pray to God.  I didn't have to use thee's and thou's, but if I did evidently God required grammatical consistency in order to be pleased with my prayer, and I couldn't mix in a 'you' anywhere.

By the time I reached my early 20's I stopped praying.  I was too afraid I'd do it wrong and incur God's wrath for my presumption in prayer.  I would pray for specific requests for people in great need or pain.  Eventually pastors caught on that people prayed for things and weren't praying all the other proper sorts of prayers that were divided correctly into whatever the right way to pray was.  So for a while in my 20's and early 30's I heard more about how wrong it is to use God as only someone to ask things from, but not talk to him in any other way in prayer.  Big push on prayer, not prayer requests.  Once again I altered the way I prayed and only prayed for life or death issues. 

Imagine my surprise when we began going to a different church and I observed men going up to pray from the pulpit with their prayer already written out.  Now I knew that sort of thing happened at Bob Jones University in chapel, but I counted that as a speech requirement for the 'preacher boys' and never considered they were praying for real.  But here this was a real church and they had written prayers?  Baptist love to talk about the slippery slope, but seeing prayers written out and prayed in a meaningful way in public for the first time was a first step in a long theological journey away from fundamentalism.

I still don't pray my own original prayers, except on rare occasions, but I'm learning to pray the prayers that others have written.  Here is one that fits me pretty well right now.

Sustain Me in the Coming Then

O God, empty me of angry judgments,
   and aching disappointments,
         and anxious trying,
and breathe into me
   something like quietness
         and confidence,
that the lion and the lamb in me
   may lie down together
         and be led by a trust
as straightforward as a little child.

Catch my pride and doubt off guard
that, at least for the moment,
I may sense your presence
   and your caring,
and be surprised
   by a sudden joy
        rising in me now
to sustain me in the sudden then.

from Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder

Forgiveness Without Coercion: What does it look like?

If anyone would have told me 6 months ago that I would be in contact with a former counselor and forgiveness would be brought up, and the end result would be a good one; I never would have believed it.  For the first time in my life someone asked for my forgiveness and didn't try to avoid responsibility or turn it back on me and make it out to be my fault in any way.  I am still in shock.  I've never experienced anything like this in my life. (There has been one other person, but that happened outside of the IFB/BJU world and the whole process was much simpler.)

Forgive  It's one of those major trigger words that can easily lead to full blown flashbacks.  Except this time it didn't.  I'm not say it wasn't triggering and that I didn't have flashbacks, but because of the other persons response to me the flashbacks didn't become debilitating.  I did lose some time( the name I've used to describe dissociation for 20 years, before I knew there was a name for it) but overall it was just a beautiful demonstration of what the process of forgiveness and reconciliation can look like.  This may not sound like a positive experience, but it was and is.   It was hard work and took the better part of three days.  At the beginning of this renewed contact  I had no inkling where it would go.  At first I received a somewhat generic request for my forgiveness without the other person really comprehending what it was they were asking my forgiveness for.  Back and forth we went until I was concise and specific enough that the only option left would be to dodge it, turn it back on me, or accept responsibility.  Amazingly, the responsibility was accepted and forgiveness still asked for and then granted.  By the end, I actually wanted to forgive and I wasn't guilted into it.

Wow!  If this were to happen for everyone; what a different world we would be in.  Granted, this is only one person and not even my original abuser, but the effect this persons counsel had on me was far reaching and life threatening.  For this person to acknowledge the harm, is such a huge deal for me.  I never thought it possible.  Maybe, just maybe, others will follow suit for me and for others.  And maybe the hurt, and the fear, and the never ending guilt can begin to be assuaged, for all of us.  As to the teacher that abused me in elementary school, I doubt he would know genuine repentance if it ran over him, but that is a topic for another post.

Maybe someday I will be at a point where I can read the Bible without being severely triggered and spiraling into either dissociation or flashbacks.  For now I'm ok with enjoying the good things in life and being thankful to God for the beauty I see.  The GRACE investigation set off a chain of events in my life that is truly life changing.  I have to face the past or be crushed by it. It's a slow road to healing and agonizing at times, but I think I have hope that it is possible.

Mondays Irritating Question

Sundays question is, "How are you doing?" For most people I give some version of normal like: "Fine", "Doing all right.",  "Been busy" or list some activity we did or might think about doing.  Then along comes Monday and the question changes to, "So, how was your weekend?"  Really?  What is with the small talk?  I hate small talk.  I don't even like the phrase "small talk".  Why does the fact that I am trapped in a chiropractors office mean that I have any desire to have the same conversation starter that I don't want to start, started over and over.  This chiropractor has several therapies going on in series so I endured this question more than normal in a short span of time.  By the time I was at the massage therapists station I was so done dancing around the question of my weekend.

We somehow ended up having a real conversation.  I steered it by commenting on why my neck and shoulders were so tense and knotted up.  I simply said I've been really stressed for the last couple of weeks.  In turn she asked about why or what has been the stress.  We ended up with a genuine conversation about Bob Jones University and the GRACE investigation and also another Christian college she was much more familiar with.  I think she was a bit more free than she planned on being and seemed worried that I would be offended; and stressed that I did ask and it was only her opinion.  Hopefully I put her at ease on that point, but I doubt it.  I did enjoy a real conversation not based on polite small talk.  I didn't say much; it only took a decent comment on my part and she was off and running.  After the massage station I only had to endure one more person asking me about my weekend. :D

In case you were wondering, but certainly wouldn't dare to ask me now; my weekend was a mixed bag.  Friday was a major trigger type day.  I thought I could read a Psalm without ill effects.  NOPE, crash and burn.  Friday night was a big church get together at somebodies house.  That was good, but still triggering and I stayed more on the outer edges of things.  I love a good party and the wine was great and quite helpful.  Saturday we had a picnic and walked around downtown and enjoyed the day.  We hit all the little shops that we never stop in, and I found two Louis L'Amour books I haven't read yet.  Sunday at church was mildly difficult on my scale.  I was able to stay here even when triggered, and only had a few flashbacks.  In the afternoon I went out for dessert with a friend for my birthday, and I enjoyed it.  So that was my weekend.

Writing it out doesn't sound so bad, but when I was asked about my weekend  the only things I could remember were the intense triggers on Friday because I read a Psalm and the triggers and flashbacks on Sunday that stayed in the manageable range.  I only needed to use a handful of methods to keep me here and didn't have to use them the whole time.  I wish my first thoughts were of the nice picnic and the shops and going out with my friend.  I didn't think of any of those things the whole time I was at the chiropractors office being asked constantly about my weekend.  I don't know why

Reflections on Conference of The Lambs and what I learned

The dam is breaking. I don't cry, but from June 14 on I have been. We arrived in Charlotte and checked into our room. The first thing I saw was the gift bags Jeri made for us. I looked through it and it was filled with good snacks and useful stuff you end up forgetting to bring. There was also a small silver colored box. I opened it up and inside was a silver lamb and shepherds staff pin. Instantly my eyes filled with tears at this kindness. This is now a forever treasured possession of mine. I find myself melting at kindness. I can toughen up and take about anything someone dishes out, but kindness in word or action is taking out my walls and is causing emotion to reemerge from me.

We left the hotel and headed over to Northside Baptist and found the conference. Jeri greeted us when we walked in. Tables were set up at the front near the stage. I was intensely nervous and drove my husband crazy until we actually got there. I haven't been inside a baptist church for 5 years and I was so stressin'. In the last month I've met baptists who were nice, didn't condemn and were normal people. They were even people I learned from and I could talk to without too much fear. I haven't knowingly talked to one in the last 4 years. I even avoid the Reformed Baptists. That's a rabbit trail, but I have somewhat altered my avoidance policy of all baptists now due to the love shown by some baptists at the Conference of the Lambs.

Dan Burrell said some things about discipleship that really hit home with me. It gave words to a hurt feeling I've had for the last 2 years. He said that people "win souls" and then just leave them on their own. It's like having a baby and then just leaving it on the sidewalk. It's abandonment. You wouldn't do that to a baby and it shouldn't be done to a new Christian either. He may have also said that it shouldn't be done to a hurting one either or else I was thinking it so loud that I think he said it but I'm not sure.

Along those same thoughts I realized what hurt so much after coming out of the church we did. There were two ladies who were very helpful in the early days of getting to know me and help me work through some difficult things. I dealt with twisted teaching that made it very difficult to understand the Bible. I came to Christ; my marriage began to unravel; My memory was triggered by a confession made to me; the blanks in my memory began to be restored and I vividly remembered past sexual abuse by my teacher. This was not an easy time for me. At the time I thought these ladies were friends, all too soon I discovered I was only their project.

As their project I came to Christ and began dealing with some of this stuff. In different ways they backed way off from me and once again I felt rejection and abandonment. It wasn't real friendship. I tried again later with someone else, same thing. Basically I've just been left on my own to figure things out. That abandonment and realization that I was only a project led to me being even more self-protective for the next two years. I was wrong to do that, but I think it was a way for me to cope with more rejection. I don't handle it well.

Dan wrote up on the white board YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I have felt alone even though I knew that others have had very similiar experiences. To sit in a room with people that you know have been hurt, to see the words written, to hear them said and to experience the love of Christ in action through this conference finally caused the truth of the statement YOU ARE NOT ALONE to sink into my heart. Tears were just below the surface and leaked out slowly.

The main thing I came away with was that God loves me. My mind knows that God loves me, but the rest of me has a hard time believing it. I know it, been told it but haven't really experienced it until recently. One huge expression of that love was the Conference of the Lambs.

Do I fellowship with sinners?

I hope so. Jesus did.

Does it matter when a sin was committed as long as it's repented of? Ohh, you did what? Was that before or after you were saved? As if we're the judge whether that has been forgiven or not. Here's a great example I read somewhere recently online but forgot where. I think it was only a story. I don't have it all right, but I have the basic gist of it.

There are two men who were both in jail and were saved. One of the men murdered his wife and the other robbed a store. Parole day came and they both got out. The wife of the man who robbed the store had gotten involved with some other guy and now wanted a divorce. She divorced him.
Both men went on to be faithful and involved in a local church and after a while felt God leading them into ministry. The one time wife murderer asked and received counsel from his pastor and was encouraged to go to seminary because "brother, all your sins are under the blood". The second guy was really relieved that the guy who murdered his wife got the pastors approval and blessing to go into the ministry. So he goes in to talk to the pastor. The pastor asks him about his divorce and whether it was before or after he was saved. Verifying that it occured after salvation he told him he was disqualified from the ministry. "What do mean, disqualified? I didn't kill her. She divorced me."

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He should be free to remarry, pastor and live the Christian life a forgiven sinner like the rest of us. How many people did Paul have killed before he was saved? God forgave him and used him greatly. Paul never forgot where he came from, but he didn't allow it to chain him in the past and keep him from loving God and serving him in the present.

Sometimes I feel chained to the past. In a way I am. My past influences my present and my plans for the future. It's all connected. I'm not sure how to disengage from the past. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my teacher has affected me my whole life, even though I didn't remember the worst of it until fairly recently. It influenced the type of men I was drawn to or repelled by. My experiences drove my parenting practices. I had a big push with my kids on sneaky child catchers who seemed really nice, but just wanted to steal them away from mommy and daddy and hurt them. We watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with them at age 3 and used that to teach them. The teaching paid off.

Someone tried to get my 5 year old son at the park one day. He was playing in the sandbox and a man came up and talked to him. He told him he had some candy for him if he would go with him to the bathroom. My son said he wasn't done playing yet, he'd go later. The man walked down towards the bathroom. When he was almost there my son jumped up and took 2 steps towards the bathroom, did a 180 and ran straight to me. (I was on the way to him) He was so proud of himself for tricking the child catcher.

So yeah, that's one good thing that came out of my abuse. That's a great thing, but I think God could have used a different method than that to get me to teach my children about the "bad guys who look good". Romans 8:28 is a hard sell for me. It's kinda like getting hit with a baseball bat to get your attention when a "hey you" would have worked just as well. Faith,Trust, Understanding, I wish I could understand. I push it down and pretend everything is ok. It's not. Eventually it comes back because it refuses to stay pushed down. What do I do with it?

We've been warned...

We've been warned...

We are now "outside of fundamentalism" while we are visiting this church. The man who warned us is someone we knew from a previous church we went to that was firmly inside fundamentalism. I guess he wanted to make sure we knew we were in a different camp. ----Oh, yeah. We figured that much out before we ever came to any of the care groups or to a church service. There are a lot of fundy hills that we're not going to die on. The style of music is just one of them. I couldn't care less whether there are electric guitars and drums or violins and flutes. If my boys never wear a tie to church again, so what. The last time I checked the Holy Spirit was still part of the trinity and I don't mind Him in church either.

No one in the PCA warned us that we were outside of fundamentalism, they just welcomed us to orthodoxy and were glad we had left Arminian beliefs(fundamentalism). To be fair, there are somehow those who consider themselves to be 5 pointers and are still in fundamentalism and yet not necessarily even a Reformed Baptist. I don't understand that.

I'm not exactly sure which part of the differences besides music and gifts are the ones which cross the fundamentalism line. I don't really care either. I'm not sure if its a "in your face I don't care what they think" or if it's because I see what these people have, and I want it so badly, that it doesn't matter that to get it, I have to "leave" fundamentalism. There is a lot we don't know about what this church believes in practical ways like "How involved can/should Christians be in politics?" I have gotten a taste of the fellowship this church has and I want more. It doesn't matter that the churches I came from wouldn't approve. They don't approve of the basic doctrines of grace I now hold so dear. So what's a little more disapproval? There is so much I need to learn over the right way or learn for the first time.

To my husband and I we left fundamentalism is stages.
First we left the "don't drink the kool-aid" dictatorship type of fundamentalism.(it's scary)
Second we left the guilt trip, work your butt off so God is happy with you, but you can wear pants(sometimes) type of fundamentalism.
Third we left the really nice kind that helps you out a lot when you need it, but once you need serious help you are now a designated project. If you ever graduate beyond project; then you must turn someone else into your project. It's hard to be transparent without someone turning you into a project, when all you want is a friend.

I don't know that we have left orthodoxy because it seems to me that every type of presby thinks the others are either too strict or too loose. I do think that the presby's will join together in saying that just because a church calls themselves reformed doesn't mean its so because they at least have to be Presbyterian for them to be truly reformed. Oh well, I guess we'll just "love God and enjoy Him forever" without man's approval.

Where's the grace?

There doesn't seem to be any room for grace for people who haven't had their lives click along the right track. Why else do the ones who are really hurting leave the church? Some of them never come back. IFB's(independent fundamental baptist) will shoot the horse with the broken leg rather than take the time to heal it. Once you've been wounded either through your own sin or someone elses, you better not let any one know it because the vultures of gossip will circle as the wolves of self-righteousness move in for the kill. IF you survive the initial onslaught; then you must harden yourself to the pain that will be yours as a second-class citizen among the righteous.

I don't have all the answers or even know all the questions; but I do know that my God has a truckload of mercy. None of us are righteous in his sight. I thank God I don't have to measure up to other people's expectations and standards. I'll just do what I do and trust God to show me when I'm messing up.

I've lived most of my life knowing I was a second-class citizen at church. My parents divorced and my dad remarried and was then publicly kicked out of church. My dad continued to go to that church until I could drive myself because the youth pastor and his wife were a help to me. I had run away from home a year before the divorce, and was gone a few days. I talked to them and no one else. My dad and stepmom put up with a lot of looks and comments for my sake. I know it hurt them. "Those people" in the church also hurt us kids. I "knew" I wasn't as good as everyone else. Finally somewhere along the way I was "good enough" to be pitied, but not good enough to really associate with because of my family situation.

When my sister was in a near fatal car accident and was in ICU for over 3 weeks the pastor didn't even come to the hospital. That was the final straw for my dad. That really drove home just how second class he is. He's been in church just a handful of times in the last 9 years. I didn't go back to the baptist church we(my husband and I) were members of because I knew they would say it all happened because of either my sin, my sisters sin or someone in the family.

Well, all that is a long story I'll start on some other time. Consider it a preview to one of the tough times in my life.